Posted by Lacey Chabert
on 4/7/2012, 7:54 pm, in reply to "Boxing on the Beach: Jeri Ryan vs. Eva LaRue"
To my fellow denizens of the FCBA:
Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.
It has been a month since I vanquished Elisha Cuthbert's jugs in the ring and then smothered her out alongside Vanessa Hudgens. I won't say that she was the toughest JMD opponent I've ever faced - far from it in fact. However, the smothering I gave to her alongside Vanessa Hudgens will, without a doubt, be remembered as one of the highlights of my FCBA career. It is one of my most dramatic victories and serves as a warning for anyone else who seeks to contest my position as the iron-fisted JMD Queen.
However, the act of deciding who to defend my newly-won title against first has not been easy. Simply put, there are many options available, all of whom have their merits and their shortcomings. I won't get into the specifics, as the contenders undoubtedly all know who they are.
And then, in my hour of need, I had a moment of revelation and insight. It was brought to my attention that my beloved stablemate, Jennifer Love Hewitt, has a new television show that is set to debut this weekend. I don't know much about it, other than the fact that it seems to exist solely for the purpose of showing Jen off in one skimpy outfit after another. Real nice, Jen - way to put that prodigious talent of yours to good use.
Something intolerable has transpired as a result, however. You see, some nitwit in a publicity department somewhere seems to have gotten it into his head that showing Jennifer off in a skimpy outfit is a good thing. Look at that fight ref: it's like she's daring us all to do something about it.
Normally, this is the sort of thing I'd take care of myself. Lord knows I've done it plenty of times already. However, after serious discussion with my management, I have been expressly forbidden from taking any direct action at this present time.
Thus, I make the following proclamation: The diamond bra and tiara will be defended against the first flyweight or bantamweight that can defeat Jennifer Love Hewitt in a JMD match. The opportunity to pound her rack back into the Stone Age and smother her to your heart's content should be incentive enough; if earning the chance to face a true JMD champion in the ring doesn't seal the deal, then I don't know what will.
B-cups and smaller need not apply.
Sincerely,
Lacey Chabert
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