( i think i saw this in a email a few years ago)
STill funny reading!
CLipper
--Previous Message--
: Just try reading this without laughing till
: you cry!!!
:
: Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the
: wife.
: A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
: Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
:
: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's
: Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
: interest. The occasion was our 15th
: anniversary and I was looking for a little
: something extra for my wife Julie. What I
: came across was a 100,000-volt,
: pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
:
: The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be
: short lived, with no long term adverse
: affect on your assailant, allowing her
: adequate time to retreat to safety...??
:
: WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the
: device and brought it home... I loaded two
: AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed
: the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
: learned, however, that if I pushed the
: button and pressed it against a metal
: surface at the same time, I'd get the blue
: arc of electricity darting back and forth
: between the prongs.
:
: AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to
: explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
: the face of her microwave.
:
: Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
: thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
: that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
:
: There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
: looking on intently (trusting little soul)
: while I was reading the directions and
: thinking that I really needed to try this
: thing out on a flesh & blood moving
: target.
:
: I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
: (for a fraction of a second) and then
: thought better of it. She is such a sweet
: cat. But, if I was going to give this thing
: to my wife to protect herself against a
: mugger, I did want some assurance that it
: would work as advertised.
:
: Am I wrong?
:
: So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a
: tank top with my reading glasses perched
: delicately on the bridge of my nose,
: directions in one hand, and Tazer in
: another.
:
: The directions said that:
:
:
: A one-second burst would shock and disorient
: your assailant;
:
: A two-second burst was supposed to cause
: muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
: control; and
:
: A three-second burst would purportedly make
: your assailant flop on the ground like a
: fish out of water.
:
:
: Any burst longer than three seconds would be
: wasting the batteries.
:
:
: All the while I'm looking at this little
: device measuring about 5" long, less
: than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with
: two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute
: really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible
: way!'
:
: What happened next is almost beyond
: description, but I'll do my best.
:
: I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
: with her head cocked to one side so as to
: say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a
: one second burst from such a tiny lil ole
: thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided
: to give myself a one second burst just for
: heck of it.
:
: I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
: pushed the button, and...
:
: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS
: DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
:
: I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through
: the side door, picked me up in the recliner,
: then body slammed us both on the carpet,
: over and over and over again. I vaguely
: recall waking up on my side in the fetal
: position, with tears in my eyes, body
: soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
: nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
: under my body in the oddest position, and
: tingling in my legs! The cat was making
: meowing sounds I had never heard before,
: clinging to a picture frame hanging above
: the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
: avoid getting slammed by my body flopping
: all over the living room.
:
: Note:
: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
: with a Tazer,
: One note of caution:
:
: There is NO such thing as a one second burst
: when you zap yourself! You will not let go
: of that thing until it is dislodged from
: your hand by a violent thrashing about on
: the floor!
: A three second burst would be considered
: conservative!
:
: A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
: time was a relative thing at that point), I
: collected my wits (what little I had left),
: sat up and surveyed the landscape.
:
:
: My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
: of the fireplace.
: � The recliner was upside down
: and about 8 feet or so from where it
: originally was..
: � My triceps, right thigh and
: both nipples were still twitching.
: � My face felt like it had been
: shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
: weighed 88 lbs.
: � I had no control over the
: drooling.
: � Apparently I had crapped in my
: shorts, but was too numb to know for sure,
: and my sense of smell was gone.
: � I saw a faint smoke cloud above
: my head, which I believe came from my hair.
: I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm
: offering a significant reward for their safe
: return!
:
: PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my
: experience, loved the gift and now regularly
: threatens me with it!
:
: If you think education is difficult, try
: being stupid!!!!
:
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