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too afraid

Posted by Firefly on October 25, 2005, 11:42 am
216.177.189.152

Have you ever been hit with the most hopeless of feelings that leaves you huddled in a corner rocking back and forth cowering at the sign of any shadow, jumping at each and every sound that brushes your ears, daring not to move an inch closer to the door or window fearing at any moment that an unspeakable fear will reach out and make itself known? Such a thing that would drive me, the one person who swore off all military training, to decideing to train for the Secret Service simply so that if that horrible moment where my worst fears are realized, that moment when what cant possibly happen in a million years,happens I can protect myself and my friends? Yeah Im freaked but in a good way.. I want to work my butt off..Im not longer willing to jump off a tall building if it happens... I think Im getting a crazy mindset.. If Im going down Im taking as many of them with me as I possibly can!! and I'm gonna make sure Im able to.. or maybe Im just going more crazy...
I wake up every morning afraid that I am the only one left in the world.. why? I dont know.. all I know is that I am afraid of ridiculous things that dont exist.. or I hope they dont exist.. you see Im afraid of zombies.. why? I think its the sheer concept of having to run from those I once loved and cared about who now simply want to kill and consume me.. maybe Im just kinda crazy..all I know is that its ridiculous.... Here is what I also believe...I believe that everyone has a will to live everyone has an inspiration.. Something that drives them past just survival and into hope and life... true living the kind that makes you realize that even though you are simply human you can make the biggest changes in the world simply by following that light that lantern that drives you deep inside when the rest of the world seems to fail and lean on your shoulders.. when you are left in darkness you have to follow that light.. you are the worlds only hope and so you work feverishly searching for a cure that may not exist to a virus a plague that is even more questionable in existance. I believe that we are here for a reason and that once we find our drive our reason for being is in light. Not for the safety and saving of the rest of the world but for ourselves.. for once we discover and believe that we have not only a reason for hope but that we ourselves are a key part of survival.. thats when its all worth it.Thats when no matter what comes your way you want to hold onto that hope.. no matter how foolish and false it may be you want to cling to it..It could be the saving lantern leading us out of danger and horror and shadow.. or it could be a will-o-whisp leading us into the doom that is otherwise inevitable. And so with that thought I fight on every single night against that fear that is behind my eyelids taunting me teasing me with the concept that it may actually one day come to pass...I wont let it, as long as I fight, it wont win... even though I may never win, as long as I fight as long as I keep the world alive and light it up with my hope.. neither will the darkness...I have no reason to fear them..I should be afriad and upset at the real evils of this world.. the children that are abused every single day, the abandoned child inthe dumpster, the serial killer killing innocents in the most horrendous ways.. and the truth of the matter is that yes I am upset by these things but I am not afraid of them.. rather I want to go out there and change them.. no if my fear happens there is no fighting back it seems .. there is only trying to stay alive an watching people die around you.. I think I really need to stop focusing on the things I cannot change and start focusing and changing the things I can..
honestly I have no real reason to post this, except.. I simply needed to get it out.. and yet I feel as if its not all out..hopefully soon I will be able to get the words out that I need to and maybe then I wont be so afraid... please reply.. BB

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too afraid - Firefly October 25, 2005, 11:42 am
- Re: too afraid - white buffalo woman October 31, 2005, 9:32 pm
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--Previous Message-- : Have you ever been hit with the most hopeless : of feelings that leaves you huddled in a : corner rocking back and forth cowering at : the sign of any shadow, jumping at each and : every sound that brushes your ears, daring : not to move an inch closer to the door or : window fearing at any moment that an : unspeakable fear will reach out and make : itself known? Such a thing that would drive : me, the one person who swore off all : military training, to decideing to train for : the Secret Service simply so that if that : horrible moment where my worst fears are : realized, that moment when what cant : possibly happen in a million years,happens I : can protect myself and my friends? Yeah Im : freaked but in a good way.. I want to work : my butt off..Im not longer willing to jump : off a tall building if it happens... I : think Im getting a crazy mindset.. If Im : going down Im taking as many of them with me : as I possibly can!! and I'm gonna make sure : Im able to.. or maybe Im just going more : crazy... : I wake up every morning afraid that I : am the only one left in the world.. why? I : dont know.. all I know is that I am afraid : of ridiculous things that dont exist.. or I : hope they dont exist.. you see Im afraid of : zombies.. why? I think its the sheer concept : of having to run from those I once loved and : cared about who now simply want to kill and : consume me.. maybe Im just kinda crazy..all : I know is that its ridiculous.... Here is : what I also believe...I believe that : everyone has a will to live everyone has an : inspiration.. Something that drives them : past just survival and into hope and life... : true living the kind that makes you realize : that even though you are simply human you : can make the biggest changes in the world : simply by following that light that lantern : that drives you deep inside when the rest of : the world seems to fail and lean on your : shoulders.. when you are left in darkness : you have to follow that light.. you are the : worlds only hope and so you work feverishly : searching for a cure that may not exist to a : virus a plague that is even more : questionable in existance. I believe that we : are here for a reason and that once we find : our drive our reason for being is in light. : Not for the safety and saving of the rest of : the world but for ourselves.. for once we : discover and believe that we have not only a : reason for hope but that we ourselves are a : key part of survival.. thats when its all : worth it.Thats when no matter what comes : your way you want to hold onto that hope.. : no matter how foolish and false it may be : you want to cling to it..It could be the : saving lantern leading us out of danger and : horror and shadow.. or it could be a : will-o-whisp leading us into the doom that : is otherwise inevitable. And so with that : thought I fight on every single night : against that fear that is behind my eyelids : taunting me teasing me with the concept that : it may actually one day come to pass...I : wont let it, as long as I fight, it wont : win... even though I may never win, as long : as I fight as long as I keep the world alive : and light it up with my hope.. neither will : the darkness...I have no reason to fear : them..I should be afriad and upset at the : real evils of this world.. the children that : are abused every single day, the abandoned : child inthe dumpster, the serial killer : killing innocents in the most horrendous : ways.. and the truth of the matter is that : yes I am upset by these things but I am not : afraid of them.. rather I want to go out : there and change them.. no if my fear : happens there is no fighting back it seems : .. there is only trying to stay alive an : watching people die around you.. I think I : really need to stop focusing on the things I : cannot change and start focusing and : changing the things I can.. : honestly I have no real reason to : post this, except.. I simply needed to get : it out.. and yet I feel as if its not all : out..hopefully soon I will be able to get : the words out that I need to and maybe then : I wont be so afraid... please reply.. BB :

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