Tone/Tone
As I am driving my 16yr old daughter to school this morning she started complaining that her 7 yr old brother was wearing her socks. Usually I would get angry, and would use a gruff voice, and say, SO WHAT, THEY ARE JUST SOCKS!!, LIKE HELLO!,, I immediately realized what I sounded like, and felt really awful, and immediately thought to my self, it is your tone. What do people hear when spoken to in such a TONE? How do you sound, and how would I rather have said it? I need to say something firm enough, yet in a calm tone. So I immediately said to her in a much calmer tone, oh, well they are just socks, and world war 3 is not about to start because he is wearing your socks is it?, but it did not matter what I said, she always had something to argue about, like he has his own socks, like, why should he wear my socks, and thinking about my thought on TONE, I said , again in a calm tone, there is a saying that goes like this, “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, as there are bigger things to sweat over than socks my girl, like how are we going to fund your impending trip to California? That is big stuff to sweat about, Socks are nothing compared to your real worries.. Yuh, undastand, way ah mean? And she calmed down her tone, and said; yes I understand what you mean. It worked, and instantly too!
How many times have we told ourselves to improve on our behavior or behaviors or TONE and never followed up on it, saying oh, next time or we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
I patted my self in the back for immediately recognizing the TONE thing and being aware enough to change my thinking to remedy the tonal situation at hand. Being aware of just little things can free us from patterns and habits that we have grown accustomed to. If I were to continue getting upset about her arguing with everything I said, it was not going to be a good morning. So I chilled and she chilled.
Speaking has an effect to whomever your audience, be it a group or an individual. Our TONE is what makes people listen. IF you SHOUT no one is interested in listening. You will have more of a captive audience when you use a calm TONE. Our TONE, really is, what carries our message across and really correlates with the saying” you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”.
Today I realized that I grew up with a LOUD TONE, i.e., growing up in a dysfunctional family which included violence and alcoholism. There was always shouting and being spoken to in loud tone. It got to the point, that even when we asked a simple question in a calm tone the question was answered in a LOUD TONE. Loud tone was all I knew, and all I knew how to do really, and all I have practiced until this morning.
Over the years a few times after a heat of the moment, I realized that I sounded like and ogre and would curb my appetite for being loud and controlling for a few days. Then I found myself in a trap and went right back to the profanity, shouting, and loud tones.
Don’t get me wrong, I was not like this all the time, but when the kids would do something that irritated me I would become an ogre and off with the LOUD TONE, I would fly.
I know for sure as of today, I will not be falling into the trap of the TONE. I now know it is not all about me being right or having control. What it is really all about is knowing when to use TONE and how to use TONE and if everyone becomes aware and practices calmer TONES it will be less stressful for all, when they open up their mouth to speak.
And always remember it is not how you say something, and how people hear your tone, it is what tone you use, and how you want to hear yourself using, after you have said something.
Written by Mintra Mankasingh
Feb/10
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