Posted by Simon
on June 22, 2002, 10:53 am
In my life, I didn't get beaten up as much as threatoned and just occasionally shoved around or elbowed in the ribs. I kinda wish I had been totally thrashed a few times. Why? Because in my mind, being punched and kicked is one of the worst thing I could imagine and I am afraid I could be killed, as I am a rather thin person. I have numerous friends who have told me bodies are more endurable than we think and that actually having it happen to you isn't so bad. That it's the humiliation and the power that is more damaging. If I had actually BEEN beaten up, I think I wouldn't be so paranoid about it now.
One could say I was psychologically bullied in highschool, and I often wonder if that was worse than being physically beaten. It has made me a very fearful person throughout my adult life (I am 32 years old), and when I see how the fear has hindered my ability to reach out and take some chances and enjoy life, I become angry. Anger is so hard because, when we are violated, we have EVERY RIGHT to be angry...but how do we express it and get it out of our systems so we can move on with our lives? Sometimes the anger and fear make me feel like I am living with a kind of poison in my body. I don't know how to wash it out of my system so that I feel satisfied and somewhat empowered again...yet WITHOUT hurting others.
My supervisor at work is an ornery little scotsman who never went more than six months without going to the hospital for getting into a fight when he was a teenager. He has picked fights with dudes he KNEW would beat the crap out of him. He says it's not just physical...there's a whole psychic phenomenon involved, that it's about your dignity. He says you don't go around with "Don't #### with me. I'll kick your ass" attitude...nor do you try the "Don't hurt me. What have I done to you? Leave me alone" approach either. He feels the best attitude is: "You got a problem with me? Fine. What are you going to do about it? Win or lose, I WILL NOT go down without a fight". That's the key point, he says. Don't start a fight, but if one gets started with you, don't back out, even if you know you'll get your ass kicked.
I don't know if he's right. I know several drag queens who have had similar attitudes though. They've been harassed while walking down the street in drag, beaten to a bloody pulp, they crawl home, put themselves back together as best they can, then go right back out there. They won't let the violence terrorize them.
I admire these kinds of people. I wish I had that kind of courage.
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