Posted by Melissa
on June 12, 2004, 8:59 am
68.21.246.201
I am a 25 year old woman who experienced horrible bullying all my life (KINDERGARTEN THROUGH HIGHSCHOOL)!! Only because I was a kind, sensitive, "big" hearted kid who was an easy target!! You name it, I was made fun of for it!! Anyways, besdies the occasional venting session to my mother, I never wanted to tell anyone this stuff so I kept it all inside. Being the oldest of four kids I had to be "the strongest" in my eyes...thats why things were never discussed. THAT WAS AND IS MY BIGGEST REGRET!! Not talking about it actually made it worse. I still to this day am affected by what happened to me when I was younger. (No self confidence, in fact I have lost some self respect too!!) Through it all I found ways to remain strong and there was no way I was going to let what other people said or did stop me from accomplishing my dreams. I went on to be an outstanding high school athlete, and I played 5 years of college basketball, won a national championship, and have become a pretty successful business woman today! My friends now respect me and love my sense of humor but still none of this can put my feelings of frustration, anger, and pain inside to rest! No matter what I do, or the compliments I get, I can't feel good about myself!! I figured if I started to write about it maybe I would feel better. Yes it has helped a little but I even took a further step and decided to get help. I see a wonderful woman once a week and we are currently trying to help the hurt little girl inside and bring some closure to my past! I know I have rambled on but rambeling makes me feel better sometimes!! I would like to share one of my first works I wrote a couple years ago. No one has really heard this, you (whoever you are) is the first so here we go:
"The Real Me"
All my life I have been told I wasn't good enough, not pretty enough, not girlie enough...WHATEVER! I still continued to love you. I showed you affection when no one else cared. I held out my hand and gave you my heart when everyone pulled away. And now I am feeling what I should have felt then...Pain!! The pain of a breaking heart, the harshness of your words, and the ache in my stomach which has haunted me for years. I'm stuck at the bottom with nothing positive to bail me out! Only negative words and actions keep pushing me down. So why shouldn't I lie? Why shouldn't I try to be someone I am not? Why shouldn't I be upset and lash out? I was never good enough and you never cared then...So why would you now? Oh, so you're saying you grew up and realized how wrong you were. You blame your hurtful words and actions on immaturity. And that makes it alright? Is that supposed to make me forget all you have done? I won't so I will just have to overcome it all! I have to realize I am a good person. You are the one that lost in this situation. You could have had a great friend, true to you always. I will be THE REAL ME! Sensitive, kind, and willing to do anything to make others happy. I won't turn my back on you, I would never want you to feel any of the things I do!!
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