Posted by Fyrna on 12/11/2005, 1:11:41, in reply to "Fyrna~ (and anyone else who wants to read)" Not yet... :/ I don't think the worst is over, my spring is going to be crazy-busy workwise thanks to thesis. -____- : but if it's any comfort (although I I felt that way last year. Felt like I couldn't do anything useful anymore. I finally got over a case of spec-writer's block last month, which has helped a lot. At a personal level, some things that happened a year and a half ago have seriously undercut my self-confidence socially. Outside of school friends, I'm baffled by adult society, and I'm now paranoid in my work circles that other people will hate me if I talk to them too much. >_<;; I'm scared of everyone from the organization I used to volunteer for because of that, and because I feel completely useless to them now. :( : I haven't gained much of it back...then when I started I think that's happened to me these four years as well. It makes it much harder to make decisions, because I don't have such a strong sense of what suits me and what doesn't. Another big change was meeting people I used to work with online, who only knew me as 'fantasai', in person. 'fantasai' is a calm, reserved persona whose work is intelligent and thorough. That's not reflecting how I am in real life: I'm much more bouncy, and I do crazy things like wear an orange and black plaid uniform to play in a marching band, I like giving people hugs, and I chatter a lot. Meeting people online was forcing the two people to merge. It seems like fantasai lost a lot of what made her safe to deal with and I lost my ability to take on her job and do it well. : To put the last one simply, I'm torn (after I have a similar problem in that people I care about deeply are spread out all over the place. I don't feel much of a cultural divide, but then, I've lived in the same place my entire life. : I never really thought that cultural !!!! I hope by now you aren't so hard on yourself anymore! : So...I think I shouldn't be so depressed and stressed out Yeah, I feel that way too. I mean, from my perspective, my life is just about perfect. I have a great family, I have friends who care about me, my bf is adorable and we get along great, my family has enough money to live comfortably and send me to one of the best schools in the country, I'm in a marching band that's like extended family, I get to study what I want, and I'm intelligent enough to do well there. But overall I've been pretty depressed for the past four years for no apparent reason. -_-;; : And I completely lost track of what I was XDD : We're all kind of remote now, but if it Hmm, so am I. Maybe we should meet up for tea sometime while we're both still here. ^_^ *doesn't have any ginseng, tho, only green tea. ^^;* : Okay, enough with the long entry. Cat, Out! fwee~ Hope you're doing ok~ ~Fyrna
140.180.146.72
: Mmm...Dunno if you're out of the slumps now...
: don't know why it should be), I was/am
: feeling somewhat like you. For me, it was a
: bunch of bad things happening/discovered one
: after another...and I think I've lost most,
: if not all, of my self-confidence.
: grad school last fall, I think I've
: completely lost my sense of identy, of
: who/what I am.
: all these years!) between my traditional
: culture and the one I'm in. You'd think I
: would have had felt this pull long ago, but
: funny enough, I'm feeling it now. I want to
: go back to Japan to live, but on the other
: hand, I know that if I do, I'll be yearning
: to come back to the States. Most of my
: friends are here. But then again, most of my
: relatives are there.
: identity mattered that much until I lost a
: much more fundamental sense of self. It's
: not something I can go into detail in
: public, but suffice to say, I felt like
: perhaps I shouldn't have been born and that
: perhaps the world would have been a happier
: place without me. I know I didn't do any
: good when things were at stake.
: except I am. The best I can do is tell
: myself that things could be even
: worse...what a cheering thought. -v-;;;
: going to say. I mean, it's not as if I want
: to make you more depressed or something! I
: guess what I want to say is...even if I
: almost never check the message board or your
: site, I'm here for you. In fact, even though
: I never check up on people because I'm lazy,
: everyone here is always on my mind, even if
: it's a back corner and it's with the guilty
: thought that I should check back more often.
: XD
: makes you feel any better, I'm here and
: thinking of you. I'm sure everyone else is
: too. I can give you annoying advices, like
: count your blessings, look for the silver
: lining on the cloud, etc., but I think what
: makes _me_ feel better is knowing that there
: are people in my heart who keep me in their
: hearts (or at least, I hope they do! XD).
: And if you ever need to talk online or in
: rl, just let me know. I'm still in the
: garden state! ^_-
I just got back from winter formals, so I'm in a good mood today. I will probably become more and more frazzled as my thesis deadline looms closer. >__<;;;;; <- is scared of thesis advisor because she enforces said deadline
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