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Posted by Bunny on 1/22/2006, 7:53 pm
I have been posting on this board on and off for a year. I wish that everytime I have the courage to leave my boyfriend that I really would, and I do, but then we always end up back together.
I am tired of this pattern. It wears me down emotionally and physically. For some reason I just cant leave it!
Now I am in deep, I just found out I am pregnant. I am so stressed out, and I do want a child. I just know that I cant raise a child on my own. Maybe even worse would be trying to raise a child with an on and off again heroin addict. He has struggled with his addiction for two years now. The past 5 months he has really cleaned up his act. He is working, he actually bought me an engagement ring!( a big step considering he used to steal everything of mine). He brings home money and doenst steal anymore. Although, he still sometimes falls back and uses for the day. He has greatly improved, but I still have my reservations about him.
Now that I am pregnant I have asked him to quit smoking weed too. I want to save up all the money now so we can provide a good life for this child. He just wont do it. It makes me so angry because he wants this child so bad, yet he isnt willing to sacrifice his lifestyle for the sake of this child. It really makes me question if he will ever really change. I am afraid I would be making the biggest mistake of my life if I have this baby. Its crazy because I always felt that being with him was wrong but I just cant let go. Now I feel that it is more wrong because now an innocent life is getting involved. I just feel so horrible and sad inside, I just cry cry cry and dont know what to do.
I do know that I deserve more out of life. I am also kind of scared to leave him because he is very threatening to me when I do leave him. He threatens to rob my house or destroy my car. I know he is capable of it too, which is terrifying. I am petrified to abort this child because I can imagine him wanting to kill me in return. He says this child is everything to him, so you can imagine the fear I have for my own life. I am so scared and looking for any suggestions.
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