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Posted by Jr 1) Over-compensating parents: Loving and caring to a fault in attempt to compensate for a lack of a healthy family environment in their own upbringing (Although they choose to filter negative aspects of their childhood - See #2 below - I have heard otherwise). My opinion is that they continue to play these codependent mind games in order to keep her in the virtual nest... Or to compensate for the emptiness she left behind when she physically left the nest. To make matters worse for the nest, her brother came out of the closet and split town as soon as he could, returning only twice per year on their coin. 2) Learned behaviors of using virtual rose colored glasses and blinders make every situation a happy ending: Just like the movies! Ummm... At least the ones they choose to watch because of the happy endings. Sheltering their kids from some of life’s harsher realities has made them (the children, my wife and her brother) somewhat emotionally dependent on them and ill-prepared to deal with adverse life situations. 3) Codependent behaviors: They all constantly "fish" for compliments from each other to feed their self esteem/self image(s) (or lack there-of). An example… Within minutes (maybe seconds) of meeting them, there are all kinds of compliments reinforcing nice shirts, shoes, hair (this is a big one!), etc. It is all blatantly FAKE but highly effective in their dynamic! My wife eats it up and demands that I take over the codependent role when her parents aren’t available. I comply most of the time and she mentions that she does not care if I am just saying it because she wants me to but sometimes accusing me of not being sincere. Oh, and if I don’t bite on any of their “bait”, I hear a few days later that they were wondering if there was something wrong with me! Needless to say, this has lead to my wife (and probably her sibling) to have poor self image issues which directly affects our relationship. Another example is that they call probably more than reasonable. I have no problem with them calling but sometimes it is obvious they are making up reasons to call. Of course both of them have to get on the phone to say hello even if they just talked the day before. These are never just short “check-in” calls. Sometimes when they call (mostly mom-in-law), they just talk and talk monopolizing the “conversation”. My wife try’s to direct the conversation or try’s to add something she would like to talk about and it’s like they don’t even hear her. My wife could sit there for 15-20 minutes and not say a single word… No exaggeration! Then, when she gets off the phone complains that she can’t stand when they do that. Or that they were fighting with her about this or that even resulting in a hang-up. Call it immature, I guess. I can honestly say that I have never felt the need to hang-up on my parents. Even in my most rebellious times. We (My wife and I) often joke that she needs to be de-programmed after a prolonged visit/phone conversation from the “nest”. I know this might sound like I’m jealous or something (actually now that I think about it, they never ask to talk to me! Could it be that I don’t tell them the things they want to hear or don’t play along). But really, I’m afraid their behavior reinforces/feeds a codependent/overprotective relationship that I am not so sure is all that healthy and am certain that I want to avoid when we have our own family. I know there are much worse in-law stories out there. I want nothing more than everyone to be SINCERELY happy… Not rose-colored, blinder, fake, codependent happy. YUK! I need help/advise to keep from slipping into this cycle of codependent behavior and need to figure out how to hold back resentment towards the in-laws for creating this cloud of disillusion of life in my family. Or, is all of this just me?
on 4/27/2006, 9:50 am
My wife comes from a family dynamic of:
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