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Posted by Hank on 6/24/2006, 3:58 pm She would sob sometimes at events in her life or close friends and family moving away. I thought it a bit much. I was rational and had perspective on life but she handn't. She wanted me to hold her while she cried and tell her everything's gonna be ok. I couldn't do that for her. She seemed to be looking for a father figure (Which everyone around us had mentioned). She doesn't talk to her dad and had been abused physically by him. She even came by my friend's house where I was hanging out (I believe in time for ourselves, apart from the other) and waited in her car next to mine till I was done. Everyone thought that was a bit much including myself. I chastised her for it. Thinking it was way too weird. She resented me I think and felt weak and stupid. She then slowly started focusing on my life and how I had done nothing to fix it. 10 months into the relationship (Which is now 2 months longer than her longest one) she asked me how I feel about her. Things had been getting strained. I started to realize that her promises to marry and have my kids weren't there anymore. She agreed, she thought maybe we should go on a break. I told her no, if it's a break, its a break up and I wouldn't be coming back or wait around (my age). Her response was: "nevermind, I want to stay with you then". Then things got strange, I found myself not wanting to hang out as often but still told her how much I love her. My mistake at that point was not freeing myself from something that wasn't gonna work from my point of view. I began to wrap myself around her and forfeited my plans to get out of my financial hole. It surfaced as unhappy state of being and not wanting to go out. She started turning to her friends again. New ones. As long as I was with her, she had gone through 4 or 5 different circles of friends and had changed jobs 3 times. I always let her have her space, I was nice and willing to let her grow and experience things on her own. She then turned her issues (childhood, neediness on me, maturity, change) into me. I became an issue. She started being sarcastic and reverted to the facade she had been wearing before we went out. She became hard and silent. When I knew something was wrong, she refused to talk about it. She just wanted to be left alone. Sometimes she would apologize the next day for being so childish. I chose to ignore all the red flags because I still believed what she had said before. Knowing full well that when you're young, words are cheap and promising the world doesn't seem like such an impossibility. I didn't want to be alone and began to cage her by treating her even nicer. She started going out after work (She and I had different schedules, i go to bed at 11:30pm and she would get off at 11:00pm) Always invited me and I mostly declined. I didn't want to go to a bar and hang out with a bunch of 19-23 year olds. I had done that and it seemed like a waste of time and money to me. After school ended, she tried to get me to go drinking and I always cited excuses. We had a huge fight about a week ago and she had basically said to fix my life. She felt like she was holding me back. She wanted to help me, she said I lacked passion. She even said before we began to apologize: "Im not breaking up with you so don't look sad" She was holding me back, I had become trapped in a pattern, waiting for the hatchet to fall cuz I could see it. I had became complacent since she loved me for the way I am. But I had wrapped myself up with her so much that I didn't want to do anything else. I was unhappy, she didn't understand me sometimes. She began to be critical of me and starting rolling her eyes at my comments in public. I hadn't changed that much that all of the sudden I was a mess. My insecurities crept up and began to be manic about her moods. If she wasn't laughing or smiling, I felt like I had to ask her a million times if everything was ok. She felt as if I was trying to pick a fight with her and shut down even further. All her emotions and the dreams she expressed came to a halt. She put this shield up and wasn't letting me in. The next 3 days before the break up she stopped saying I love you when she would get home. She wouldn't ask if it was ok that she went out and if I wanted to come with. She just said im going to the bar with so and so. Then she decided to hang out with two dudes she had just met. I thought that was wrong, I'm not jealous but going with a couple of dudes that don't work with you felt wrong. I had come over to surprise her with some beers and pool, showing her that I was willing to try. To change. She told me of her plans and after pseudo arguing I told her it was cool. Called her back 10 minutes later wondering if this wasn't a big deal, why didn't she invite me along. I was willing to stay up. She replied with: "I thought you were cool wit this!" (annoyed tone) I then, being weak at that point decided to let it go. Next day I felt worse. Called her no reply, went looking for her thinking something bad had happened. When she finally replied 2 hours later, she said she was at her grandma's. I checked there and she wasn't. The I said we need to talk now. She even tried to divert it by asking if she could get some sleep since she had to work later that day. We met up and she brought the going on a break plot again. I couldn't believe her. She said she felt we were going different directions and she thought she was codependent on me. I told her that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. She asked me if I still loved her, said that we can still be friends like your other exgirl you talked about before. Then it was a mess. I cried to her asking her what did I do. She said it wasnt me, it was her and she knew that it was a cliche. She said I did nothing wrong, I was perfect. Now you have time to do the things you need to do to be happy, she said. Then being so tied to her for so long, she was my only outlet for my hurt. We talked the next couple of days. Actually it was me sobbing, trying to find the thing I did or didn't do. She mostly was silent and said it's not my fault and how sorry she was for hurting me. She never wanted to hurt me. It pains her and we'had some contact here and there. Sometimes it was good and sometimes it was bad. But mostly she tried very hard to hide her emotions from me. Deeming them a weakness. She is very good at shutting down, even though it hurts inside. She internalized all those issues around the halfway points and couldn't handle the bad times that some relationships have. I blame myself for not taking my life into consideration after her initial looking-away from our future. I saw her the other day and I was strong. I talked to people at her work. Making sure I wasn't feeling sad, she smiled. She looked fantastic. I had imagined her to look exhausted since now she had free reign to stay up all night drinking and putting on her social facade. She is very magnetic. I think that made her feel good again and maybe she thought of me as a weight at her feet near the end. I know it was really hard for her since she's never been through a long relationship's break up stage. I have. I feel like talking to her still and contacting her but I know it'll just make it harder and longer for both of us. She had the courage to do us both a favor, yet I still miss her. Even though my friends and I had analyzed the situation in every aspect, finding that nothing I did would've mattered. That it would've ended due to her maturity level eventually and my lack of commitment to myself. She did me a favor. Why wont' this pain go away. I get sick to my stomach when she pops in my head. Where did things go wrong? Why did it end this way? Was she codependent? Was I? Any suggestions would be appreciated
She and I had been going out for 1.5 yrs. It was great at first but something changed along the way. I'm 14 years older than she is and she is now 22. I met her when she was 19-20 and one night, out of pure chance, we clicked. It was torrid and intense. I hadn't been with anyone for over 3 years as my last relationship was an engagement that didn't work out. I had been in a hole, thinking that I would never feel love again. And then she came with her youth and total immersion in me. She made me feel great and I being the wiser person, laid everything out for her in the hopes I wouldn't get hurt. She accepted all my shortcomings and insecurities and even though I was apprehensive about her due to her age, her love and need was so strong that it started clouding me. She was a little girl inside, still hanging on to her teen years. Never moved out of her home, never had any real experience in a lot of things I had done. The first half was amazing. So unconditional. Never had I experienced a love so deep and pure from anyone. She had no baggage.
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