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Posted by babu on 7/23/2006, 10:53 pm My girfriend has a co-dependency problem. I first came across the term in the 'Road less traveled'. It fit her like a glove plus it also shed light on the repeating pattern of problems which came back everytime i thought we had understood, accepted and solved them. The description on this site 'A codependent person very rarely recognizes genuine acts of true love and caring from their spouses, but rather is hypervigilant to their spouses negativities or requests (which the codependent person takes to mean 'more demands' on, and 'belittlement' of, them).' etc is very true for my girlfriend. But everywhere I read, the only solution seems to be 'Run away before you are destroyed too' Even on this site, things like 'You can spend years trying to make a codependent person feel appreciated and loved'scares me. what do I SAY to her???? So do I break up? I hate to 'give up'...especially when it is about someone i love. I have always believed that no problem is permamnent...its only a question of how hard we try. But yes, practically speaking...I do feel drained out. We have beentrying to work it out for almost 2 years now. And frequently keep feeling 'I dont DESERVE this. What am I gonna achieve by doing all this??(My parents are against this marriage. My friends always prefer to change the topic when I ask them what do they think about her) Just do it because its the right thing to do???' And everytime I feel 'I dont DESERVE this' ..I feel I am being unfair to her...by thinking that she is not 'good enough for me'...everytime I respond to her sweet mails...say 'I love you'....I feel like a hypocrite. Because I believe that 'respect and admiration' are the things which help in the longer run...when the 'rosy romance' fades away - which i do not have for her. I want to admire her as a PERSON rather than only because how much SHE loves me, or what SHE does for me. currently theres no reason to. And everytime i feel this, I feel like a jerk. Even if i break up, what do I say???? 'that you are not good enough for me??' As I write this message, she is busy thinking that she has understood the problem..and is trying her best to work on it. She thinks that all is fine now and is very happy and peaceful. And here i am!! reading 'How to break up' articles..and asking for help on websites. Everytime I talk nicely to her...I feel as if i am lying bastard!! I HATE to lie..but there seems to be no other option!!! She has accepted (finally!!)that she DOES have a co-dependency problem. But with all clauses attached...some being "I wasnt like that. Your judgmental nature was majorly responsible for it" (I WAS judgmental....very. And she was the one who made me realise it...and i am working on it. I have LEARNT...and I am GROWING. I know i am not the perfect person either. And am still happy) But everytime she shows 'I cant do anything about it. I am helpless' or any kind of 'victimised' behaviour...my hope levels take an abysymal dip - maybe due to the wear-out the two years have caused. I dont know what am i am taking the 'big risk' for - whether things would really ever improve. If i give up, wont it shatter her more??? Forever? It would save my soul...but what about her????? she is doing it ALL for me..for us (and i KNOW thats a part of the problem...she needs to do it for HERSELF!!!) Besides, this psychology things confuse me further - everytime i feel like helping her instead of just giving up...I feel 'Am i trying to be a self sacrificing hero??', I was judgmental too....and everytime i try to discuss potential future problems with her...I feel 'Am i trying to ask for guarantees...being too controlling???'...Seeing all these 'symptoms' I then feel...'Is it ME who is the co-dependent?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!' PLEASE help!!!! Please!!!
PLEASE read my entire problem - though it seems like a novel. I am utterly confused and need a third person perspective before I take a decision.
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