EVEN DeepER Blurting!: DBNS: Who Was that Masked Jerk?

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DBNS: Who Was that Masked Jerk?

Posted by Kenneth Morgan on 3/30/2008, 11:58 pm

Today, Kenneth Morgan wishes this movie hadn’t come out of the phone booth.
*****
It seems that comic book superheroes are back in vogue on our movie screens these days. There have been two successful Fantastic Four movies. Iron Man, Batman and the Hulk have movies coming soon. Another Superman movie is in the works, as is a solo effort with Wolverine. Yes, it seems that the genre has paid its penance for the awful “Batman & Robin” and is once again a potent box office force. But, as one examines movie history, one can see that for every successful superhero movie or series there were some that just didn’t get off the ground (like the underrated “The Shadow”, in my opinion). And there were others that truly didn’t deserve to.

Which leads us to our subject for today, the woeful Italian-made superhero flick “The Fantastic Argoman” (original title: Come Rubare la Corona d’Inghilterra”), released in 1967, during the heady days of Batmania.

The movie opens with our “hero”, the ridiculously-costumed Argoman (Roger Browne) about to be shot by a firing squad in China. Faced with this dire situation, the movie’s good guy escapes by psychically causing the soldiers to kill each other, while he drives away laughing. (No, really, he’s the hero.) We then learn that Argoman, in the name of world peace, had crippled China’s nuke program at the behest of the U.S.S.R. (I swear he’s the hero!) Then, after claiming his payment (Peter the Great’s snuffbox), he heads back to England and his secret identity as supposedly mild-mannered detective Sir Reginald Hoover. (S.R.: Knight of the Order of the Dust Buster.)

After the opening credits, we learn that the Tower of London has been broken into and the Crown of St. Edward stolen. Lestrade-like Inspector Lawrence (Dario De Grassi) of Scotland Yard immediately figures that Argoman (who is believed to be crook, a la the Green Hornet) is responsible. Actually, the culprit is Jenabell (Dominique Boschero), a seductive female supercriminal who has the usual aims on world domination. It seems the theft was just to get the police’s attention. She soon returns it with a note demanding that she be given the “Muradoff A-4” (whatever that is) or else.

While this is going on, Argoman/Hoover is relaxing at his mid-Sixties bachelor pad, aided by his servant Chandra (Eduardo Fajardo), surrounded by his trophies (like the original Mona Lisa) and basking in his own overwhelming arrogance. We soon learn that his powers include super strength, sight & hearing, as well as both telekinesis & telepathy, though we never learn just how he got those powers. Oh, and he’s supposedly a major league stud who’s never at a loss for female companionship, even though such…activities make him lose his powers for precisely six hours afterwards. (S.R.: According to the girls, the loss actually starts about ten minutes before.)

This round of exposition is interrupted when Arg/Hoov uses his superpowers to locate a nearby hovercraft piloted by a beautiful girl, mentally drag said hovercraft to his private beach, and levitate said girl into his arms. (Again, our hero!) Turns out the girl, who says her name is Regina Sullivan, is actually Jenabelle in disguise and she’s there to…well, I’m not quite sure. Maybe it’s to make Argoman experience superpowerus interruptus, or maybe to issue a veiled challenge to him, or maybe she just has a thing for a guy in tights. In any case, after they finish, she leaves and Lawrence shows up unannounced, requesting famed detective Hoover’s help with the Jenabelle case.

A quick look at the evidence convinces Hoov/Arg that Regina and Jenabelle are the same person, but he says nothing about it. On the other hand, Lawrence, for reasons of security, can’t say what this Muradoff A-4 thing is. We soon learn that it’s a large, mysterious gemstone found in the blast crater of a nuclear test. Apparently, its main attribute is that can refract light into a special laser beam that renders objects highly pliable (S.R.: Set phasers for “silly putty”.) Claimed by several nations, it’s being stored in Paris and is under heavy guard. H/A, accompanied by girlfriend du jour Samantha (Nadia Marlowa) and Chandra, follows Lawrence to Paris and sets out to find Jenabelle thanks to a radioactive cigarette he gave her to smoke after they had finished. (S.R.: L.S.M.F.Roetgens.)

Meanwhile, Jenabelle and her leather-clad goons, as part of her plan, raid a Paris bank. Unfortunately, A/H can’t do much to stop them, as it’s been less than six hours since his…um, encounter with Jenabelle. So, he has to sneak into the villains’ van before they get away and…oh, what’s the use?

I’ve heard several opinions on which superhero movie is the worst. Some say it’s the aforementioned “Batman & Robin”. Others say it’s the preachy “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace”. One prominent choice is the cheap “Fantastic Four” movie from 1994, which was reportedly meant more as a legal ploy than an actual movie. I must disagree with all of those choices. For me, “The Fantastic Argoman” is the absolute worst superhero movie ever made. If there’s a worse one, I shudder to think of what it could be.

Let’s start with Argoman’s costume, which he apparently has the ability to change into instantly, with no aid from super speed or Bat-poles. It consists of yellow tights with black boxer shorts, a red cape & belt, and a black ski-mask-like headpiece (with a zipper in the back) featuring a meaningless squiggle insignia on the forehead and a Cyclops-style visor seemingly shaped like a pair of red lips. (S.R.: It’s Rocky Horror Man!) Compared to this, Pumaman looked positively dignified.

Next, there’s the guy in the suit. He’s a smug, smarmy, sleazy jerk, who forces his attentions on women even though they supposedly can’t get enough of him. He sends bad guys to their deaths with a cheerful laugh (at least the Shadow uses a sinister laugh at such times). And the only reason his superior attitude makes sense is when you realize that his adversaries on both sides of the law are pretty dumb. (In more than one instance, when the French police show outright incompetence, you can’t help but riff, “They must be ‘Le Cops de Keystone’.”)

The other elements of the movie aren’t all that much better. The dubbing leaves much to be desired, including making the supposedly English Hoover sound unmistakably like a Yank. (Yeah, he says he spent much of his early life in America, but that’s no excuse.) The same can be said about how Chandra’s apparently Indian heritage consists of some tan makeup and that’s about it. Jenabelle’s supposedly supervillainish plot to take over the world with the A-4 ultimately looks about as needlessly complex as the good guys’ plan in the absurd “Face/Off”. There are moments of outright illogic (like Argoman’s aforementioned ability to instantly appear in that silly costume) that go far past the point of campiness. The musical score by Piero Umiliani, while cheerful and upbeat, unfortunately sounds pretty much like the score to nearly every other Italian movie made in that era. In short, the movie is a mess.

It does, though, feature some prime riffing material, much of it based around Argoman’s unpleasantness. For example, during a phone call to Lawrence, Hoover (supposedly an expert on supposedly criminal Argoman) tells Lawrence that Argoman’s superpowers are “purely metaphysical” and that “nothing (he) does contradicts the laws of nature”. (S.R.: Unless you count that ‘rawhide & honey’ thing of his.) Or when, during one of his supposed brilliant plans, he instructs Samantha, “Watch me and do as I told you.” (S.R.: Spank you and say, “Bad dog”?) Or when, following their early encounter, Hoover gives a bunch of valuable emeralds to the disguised Jenabelle. (S.R.: He’s the Elliot Spitzer of the superhero community.) Or, when Hoover, the supposed expert on criminals, offers his help in tracking down Jenabelle, a French authority figure asks who could possibly do a better job of it than him. (S.R.: Inspector Clouseau, Stuporduck, a bad full of hammers…) And, for a change of pace, you can joke about all the travelogue stock footage of Paris and London. (S.R.: Hey look, kids! Big Ben, Parliament!) And, at practically any point, I can just hear Joel or Mike or anyone else saying, “You know, this movie makes me think Adam West deserves a heartfelt apology.”
To be fair, as with other foreign movies I’ve reviewed here, the dubbing and editing for the American version may very well have made me miss the point of the movie (though I doubt it). And the makers of “The Fantastic Argoman” weren’t trying for an especially realistic or plausible superhero flick, like “Superman, the Movie” or “Batman Begins”. They were obviously trying to latch onto the coattails of Batmania. But that’s not really an excuse for the fact that this one was just plain dumb. See it only if you want to hone your riffing skills or just turn off your sensibilities for about 90 minutes.

And the most amazing thing about this movie? Joel Schumacher had nothing to do with it.

CONNECTIONS NOTE: Co-writer Lewis E. Cianelli had an acting part in the MSTed “Escape 2000”, and was behind the scenes on “Cave Dwellers” and previous DBNS subject “Wild, Wild Planet”.

TRIVIA NOTE: To be fair to composer Piero Umiliani, he is credited with writing one of the more memorable songs of recent years. Click below for the definitive performance of said song.