EVEN DeepER Blurting!: DBNS: "Pest" We Forget

[ Post a Response | EVEN DeepER Blurting! ]

DBNS: "Pest" We Forget

Posted by Kenneth Morgan on 11/30/2008, 11:23 pm

Today, Kenneth Morgan can’t think of anything to witty to say about today’s movie.
*****
Those who’ve read my stuff over the last few years know that it’s very rare for me to run into a movie or something that I really dislike. Usually, I’ll find something good in even the worst things, even if it’s only good riffing material. But, there are occasions when I’ll find a movie so flat-out bad that I really can’t think of anything good to balance against it.

Such a movie, without any doubts, is our subject for today: the alleged and disputed “comedy” “The Pest”, released by Tri-Star Pictures (who should’ve known better) in 1997.

The movie stars John Leguizamo as “Pest” Vargas, a motor-mouthed, small time hustler in Miami. He spends his time scamming money from some apparently incredibly gullible people and irritating the daylights out of everyone else, with the exception of a couple of friends and a sort-of girlfriend Xantha (Tammy Townsend). (How they are able to even slightly tolerate him is not revealed.) Of particular note among those irritated are members of the Scottish mob (huh?), to whom he owes $50,000. Angus (Charles Hallahan), the head Scots mobster, tells Pest to pay up or his family will be killed. (Why they don’t just kill Pest and make everyone happy is not revealed.)

The situation changes somewhat when rich German psycho Gustav (Jeffrey Jones) comes to town. Thanks to a really unbelievable bit of mistaken identity, Gustav’s assistant Leo (Tom McLeister) brings Pest to see Gustav, supposedly to sign up for a $50,000 scholarship for the needy. Pest, while scheming to rip Gustav off, seems to buy this, and even allows himself to be taken to Gustav’s private island somewhere off the coast. Soon, though, Pest learns the truth. Well, to be accurate, the truth bashes the moron over the head and shouts, “Here I am!”

In fact, Gustav is not just a psycho; he’s also an avid hunter. Having hunted every other animal, he now spends his time hunting people. (Yes, this movie is yet another rip-off of “The Most Dangerous Game”, and the least interesting one to boot.) He tells Pest the deal (which Pest has already unknowingly…well, stupidly agreed to): if Pest survives for (I think) 24 hours, he gets $50,000. If not, he gets killed and his head gets mounted on Gustav’s wall. Disappointing the audience, he gives Pest a head start, then goes after him, accompanied by his creepy son Himmel (Edoardo Ballerini), and by Leo. Thus, the chase begins and…oh, gads, I’ve already had enough.

I’m not saying this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. There are, in fact, several candidates for that dubious honor. It may not even be the unfunniest “comedy” I’ve ever seen. It is, though, the most accurately titled movie I know of. Pest is not just a pest. He is, indeed, the pest.

I’ve seen annoying characters in movies before. From Jerry Lewis at his most self-indulgent to Jim Carrey in full Ace Ventura overdrive. From Sid Melton characters to Rob Schneider characters. From every Brooklynite shoehorned into Fifties sci-fi movies to the brats in “Invasion of the Neptune Men”. All of them pale to insignificance compared to Pest. From the first instant he’s on screen (about 60 seconds into the movie) to the last (at the close of the credits), he’s nothing less than annoying. In fact, he’s the single most irritating character ever to appear in a movie. There is not so much as one second devoted to making him remotely sympathetic or even mildly bearable. John Leguizamo should congratulated for such a seemingly impossible accomplishment, and then he should be roundly condemned for even attempting it.

While Pests’s overwhelming unlikability is the big problem with this movie, it’s not the only one. It’s like the filmmakers (including star & co-writer Leguizamo) just threw in everything they knew would make audiences dislike the movie. Broad overacting? Check! Offensive national, racial & sexual stereotypes? Check! Scatological humor? Check! Fast-paced “comedy” that looks like rejected outtakes from a Monkees episode? Check! A plot that hinges on everyone showing as little intelligence as possible? Check and double check!

In conclusion (I’m not in the mood for in-depth analysis), this is one of the few DBNS selections that, at times, I purposely fast-forwarded through in order to get past it ASAP. (By comparison, I watched the awful “Corky Romano” without such a need.) I’m not going to even try to put in suggested riffs. If the likes of “Manos” and “Castle of Fu Manchu” could drive the SOL crew to bitter tears, this movie would finish them off. Not even the Forresters (mother or son) would inflict such pain. “The Pest” is one flipping awful movie, and I’d rather watch “Monster a Go-Go” and “Attack of the the Eye Creatures” unMSTed than see it again. Watch it yourself, if you wish, but you have been warned.

Okay, that’s all I can take of this one. I’m getting a headache.

CONTENT NOTE: “The Pest” is rated PG-13 for “crude sexual, scatological and ethnic humor”. The MPAA apparently didn’t consider “trying the audience’s patience to an unbearable degree” to be ratings-worthy.

CONNECTIONS NOTE: I really didn’t have any desire to look up any of these, but I’ll note one: Kevin Kiner, who composed the music for this loss, also worked on the previously reviewed “Wing Commander” and “Star Wars: The Clone Wars”. For working on the latter, and on the series that followed, I’ll grant him a pass for this one.