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Posted by Kenneth Morgan
on 4/4/2009, 8:13 pm, in reply to "Doom and gloom"
The following was originally posted on 6/16/2008:
*****
Today, Kenneth Morgan witnesses the end of the world and blames it all on poor filmmaking.
*****
It has been often said that timing is everything. And so it is for these reviews I write. I try to do some organization, so that reviews are posted at an appropriate time for them. (Like, say, posting my “Kill the Umpire” review at the start of baseball season.) Still, unexpected things can happen that make average reviews appear at either the best or worst times.
Case and point, our subject for today: “The Doomsday Machine” a low-budget sci-fi flick released in 1972 (and not to be confused with the classic TOS episode, by the way.)
Set in the future year of 1975 (?), the movie opens at a top secret installation in China that looks like an office park and has less security. An agent easily slips inside, makes contact with another agent and finds their objective: a cage containing a gizmo (the “doomsday machine”, I guess) that looks like Tom Servo’s cousin that he doesn’t like to talk about. The agent takes a couple of photos, slips away even more easily than she got in, and later ends up in conference with some unnamed government types. Apparently, this gadget in the hands of the ChiComs is bad news and it could cause global destruction, so they decide to tell the President about it. (And since this is the last we see of the gadget or these people, and much of this information is repeated later in the movie, you could actually skip the whole sequence, or even this paragraph.)
We cut to your average military base somewhere in the U.S. It seems this base is the launching point for Project Astra, which will send of group of white American men to explore the planet Venus. (Well, that’s a nice change of pace from the usual Mars stuff.) At a rather unexciting press conference, mission commander Col. Don Price (Denny Miller, billed as “Scott Miller”) briefly describes the trip. Then, things go a bit wrong. Suddenly, the base goes on Red Alert due (apparently) to this new threat from the Chinese and the launch time is moved up to pretty much immediately. Then, Price is informed that, by direct Presidential order, three of his seven-man crew will be replaced by (gasp!) women. This does not sit well with Price or surly navigator Maj. Kurt Mason (Grant Williams), who had their hearts set on making a two-year trip to Venus in the company of other men. (Insert subtext here.) On the other hand, wise old scientist Dr. Perry (Henry Wilcoxon) and ship’s comedy relief Danny (Bobby Van) seem OK with it.
Soon, the new crewmembers arrive: blonde flight surgeon Dr. Marion Turner (Ruta Lee), redhead cosmonaut Maj. Georgianna Bronski (Mala Powers) and brunette meteorologist/eye candy Lt. Katie Carlson (played by either Ann Grant or Lori Scott; the credits info is a bit lacking). With all the bases covered, the ship lifts off in a thunder of stock footage. Eventually, Astra leaves orbit and heads off to Venus as the crew members either get annoyed with each other or pair off, depending on the script. Soon, though, the biggest problem of all: they see the Earth devastated by a nuclear exchange. They’re now heading towards an unexplored planet and have no home to return to. What will they do? Nothing interesting, actually…
I’m no beginner at this sort of thing. I’m very familiar with bad movies and have seen some of the worst. But, I’ve got to tell you, “The Doomsday Machine” takes the cake. It is one of the most ineptly made flicks I’ve seen in quite a while. You can’t help but wonder how someone looked at this and said, “This is good enough to release,” with a straight face. (Unless, of course, this is all a massive joke on the audience.) I suppose, in its defense, I should note that this movie reportedly started filming in 1967, but the producers ran out of money and it wasn’t completed until 1972, with none of the original cast participating at the end. From that, you have to expect less then sterling results.
On second thought, I take it back. This movie is really bad and it has no defense. Consider:
For the most part, the filmmakers salvaged footage from two other movies (“Wizard of Mars” and “Gorath”, I understand), in lieu of new SPFX, for the space scenes. Problem is, the footage doesn’t match. As a result, we see two completely different kinds of spaceship, and two different kinds of space stations, that are all supposed to be the Astra ship. Further, the footage is spliced in with little regard to pacing or logic. They just sort of said, “Here’s the space stuff,” and tossed it in wherever.
In addition, there are the cheap sets, with Lay-Z-Boy recliners standing in for spacecraft seats and the usual gadgets we’ve seen loads of times before. There’s also just plain, garden variety ineptitude. (For example, during the opening sequence, the spy crawls through a vent in a wall, presumably to get into an AC duct, then clearly just stands up and walks away on the other side!) The story itself is pretty bad, too, and some of the characterizations are pretty off-the-wall. One minute Mason is grousing over women being included in the crew, and the next he’s pawing Lt. Katie, who for her part acts pretty heavily seductive for a supposedly professional military officer. Meanwhile, Price is a stiff, hardnosed CO who will brook no argument and looks down on his new crew, and yet supposedly falls for Dr. Marion from out of nowhere. It’s all part of the usual “new Adam & Eve restarting the human race” routine.
Beyond all of that, though, is one major misstep: the ending. As noted, they had to finish the movie years later without any of the original cast members. So, I can only guess that they had to heavily re-write how the story finishes (I can’t imagine actually planning what they finally did). And the result is one of the most boring, nonsensical, way-out-of-deep-roving-left-field, lousy endings I’ve ever seen. It even rivals “Monster a Go-Go”, the all-time champ of this sort of thing, in terms of sheer absurdity. Even so, I won’t give it away; you’ll have to watch it and marvel for yourself.
As for what’s good in the movie…well, there was an airlock sequence that I wasn’t expecting that’s a bit jarring. And there’s…uh…um…well…ah…what was the question?
Now, I ran into a couple of problems when writing this. Usually, on the bad movies, I’ll toss in some suggested riffs. In this case, though, I’ve been beaten to the punch twice-over. First, the copy of the movie I got from Netflix is from a 1983 broadcast of the movie on “Movie Macabre” with Elvira, who offers comments during host segments. Then, as I was gearing up to write all this down, I found out that “Doomsday Machine” was selected as the next feature from “Cinematic Titanic” and is due for release later this week. Now, I have seen the Elvira segments and I’ve seen the previews for CT’s version. So, I’m going to try and toss in some riffs; I won’t be duplicating anything from Elvira and, with any luck, nothing from CT, either.
In any case, there’s a lot of material to work with. Like the scene when Georgianna calls Mason “comrade” and he angrily growls, “Don’t call me ‘comrade’.” (SUGGESTED RIFF: Call me Chubsy-Ubsy!) Or whenever someone mentions Ground Control, you just have to add, “…to Major Tom.” Or when the credit for Director/Producer Harry Hope appears. (S.R.: Abandon all Harry Hope, ye who watch this movie.) And I’m just scratching the surface, here.
All in all, “The Doomsday Machine” is basically a pretty lamentable movie. Thus, it was a good choice for CT, it was a good choice for Elvira and it would’ve been a good choice for MST3K. Those are the only conditions under which I can recommend it.
Well, that’s what I’ve got today. I’ll let you judge whether this was great or poor timing on my part.
Maybe I should check with Joel and/or Mike before deciding what to write. I’d hate to steal anyone’s thunder.
CONNECTIONS NOTE: Elvira, who hosted this movie’s presentation, also hosted “Attack of the Killer B-Movies”, which Frank openly admits he only wrote for the money. Co-star Grant Williams (Mason) appeared in the MSTed “Leech Woman” and the CTed “Brain of Blood”. Denny Miller (Price) appeared in the previously reviewed “The Norseman”. Casey Kasem, who plays a CapCom at Ground Control (to Major Tom), also appeared in the previously reviewed “The Night that Panicked America”. Director Lee Sholem worked on “Catalina Caper”. Cinematographer Stanley Cortez worked on DBNS entries “Angry Red Planet” and “When Time Ran Out”. And the minimal SPFX were worked on by David L. Hewitt, who also worked on the similarly low-grade “Journey to the Center of Time”.
TRIVIA NOTE: During the press conference, look for Mike Farrell as one of the reporters, before “M*A*S*H” and pacifist activism got him away from movies like this.
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