Friends Supporting Friends
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The easiest way to avoid regrets is to ask yourself this question, "If not now, when?" It's a powerful way to put life and our decisions about how we spend our time into perspective"
-Getting myself here most days. I will be honest. I am depressed. Not knowing about the job thing and feeling so impotent at my current job is consuming me. No one has heard anything about my old job. The HR person isn't answering my emails about where they are in the process. I'm not feeling good about my chances which makes me angry and very sad. On a good day, I tell myself to just 'woman' up and learn to do the current job. I never expected anything to be so difficult for me to be good at at this stage of my career. I am just not meant to do group therapy and that is the substance abuse standard practice. I think if I felt good about that, I'd be semi-alright. I have looked at other jobs outside the hospital but I have worked too long to leave the system. There is no other place (and I have checked; them mental health market is mostly private practice) where I would get this salary (probably at best $10,000 less) or the vacation time I've accumulated for being here 6 years. I am really trying to focus on that and be grateful. But, the depression has gotten me. It's such a vicious circle: I overeat by a lot, feel worse about myself, so eat more; I am drinking more which is totally new. My sleep meds are doing the trick so a little bourbon chases the pills down (not to a physically dangerous level but a really bad habit). My weekends come and there is so much to do. I haven't cleaned my house since I got home 5-6 weeks ago. The bigger the mess that is, the more overwhelmed I feel and I just freeze. I'm not responding to friends or reaching out to them and my sister. I just sit here, curled up in a sweatshirt and sweats feeling overwhelmed. My worst depression is like this. It's like I'm wading through molasses and any effort is just too much. I'm not decorating because it feels overwhelming to even think of going in the attic and getting everything down. I did enjoy the opera and that night out with Deb but she orchestrated it all and I just had to show up. I did enjoy blowing the leaves. I love working in my yard but my elbow and foot began to protest. I'm irritable and any little thing pisses me off. People experience depression in different ways...some cry and cry, some think about self-harm. I know if mine ever really grabbed hold, I'd be catatonic and just fade away. It would help if I just knew, one way or the other, if I was going to get my old job back and with each day, I feel the chances are slimmer. You know I am already doing research for my next trip (probably May 2020) but my joy in life can't be solely based on a trip every 1 1/2 years.
I plan to make some healthy food today. Eating better usually restores some sense of hopefulness. This will pass. Sometimes it only takes one thing to kick my ass in gear. In the meantime, I'm sitting in the same clothes I put on Friday after work...including sleeping in them. I even went to the store in them yesterday! Gross! By now, you guys know that I have BIG feelings and they pass but I need to vent. Just deciding I'm going to take a shower and wash my hair today feels like too much but I will.
Charlie snoring by me
Gianni tapping me on the head when we're in bed because he wants to get under the covers with me.
Bill helping with the leaves.
Being told I was pretty the other day