Posted by Jo There’s a new book out called “And the Dance goes on, An Anthology of Australian Catholic Women” - Comission for Australian Catholic Women (John Garratt Publishing). A dear friend gave me a copy and whilst I was reading it this morning, I was reminded of you Margaret. It is fascinating to read a collection of snippets from other Catholic women! It has made me realize that we are indeed part of a whole and the message came through powerfully, that whilst even one of us is missing, then we are not complete. It has also stirred the desire to share part of my own story with you. (And I say “part”, as I have learned that we are constantly formulating questions, searching for the answers and then in turn, finding new questions!) Last year our little country church was forced to close, due to the shortage of priests. Our community was a small one of about 40 people, however, my family and I were heavily involved and had built up a wonderful sense of “belonging” over the four years that we had been there. It wasn’t until I was shopping the other day, looking at material and discovered a piece that would have made a fantastic backing for a banner, that I acknowledged to myself that part of me was still missing…...this year, during Advent, I won’t have music to prepare, a church to decorate, banners to make etc. Essentially I feel abandoned by a Church that I have lovingly and faithfully given my heart and soul to in a creative sense and also locked out of “home”. Most times I criss-cross between sadness/loss and anger at a Church that has “answers” and remains rigidly pointing to the “rules”. There are ways to solve our shortage of priests..…what are “they” waiting for? At what point is our “Church” going to start listening and implementing some of the obvious solutions? Of course I could always travel into town (a half hour drive) and attend Mass there, which is what we do from time to time, however, the wounds are still very raw and it isn’t easy to become “part” of a community that you don’t live in and know. Despite my disappointment with the “Church”, (to which I still see myself as very much part of, in a broad sense) I have come to discover a new dimension within my relationship with God. Our God who is bigger than the “Church” and who is with me, personally, no matter what! At first I mixed up my anger and where it should be directed and even began to doubt that God existed. I was amused at the obvious contradiction in the notion of telling God that I didn’t believe and then that I wasn’t talking! (If I didn’t believe in God, who was I even talking to? Where was the need to “say”…”I’m not talking to you!”) Like a rebellious teenager I set about to prove that I didn’t need God! I got to a point of saying “I’m going it alone, bring it on!” I distinctly remember having a string of “bad luck” and contemplating whether I had seriously said the wrong thing! When speaking to a friend, he suggested that I was “brave” to issue such a challenge to God. However, I was never afraid. I remember one day, after my car had broken down and I had to leave it at the repair place and then walk home, it started to pour with rain. Of course, I didn’t have an umbrella and we live in the country, so there was no alternative transport. I had little choice, but to keep walking! I scoffed out loud and said “is that the best you can do? Bring it on!” Ok, being honest, I have to confess that when it started to hail I considered that I just “may” have taken it too far. Nonetheless I remained fearless and knew that no matter how rebellious I was, my God would not “hurt” me or turn against me. I thought about what my friend had said, about “being brave” and I came to appreciate that it wasn’t “brave” at all…..it was a reflection of the depth of faith and trust I actually had in God. Since that day I have enjoyed the “comfort” of feeling cared for by God. I silently acknowledge God’s presence and am content to “listen” for the time being. I know I am not in the “right” place at the moment, however, there is this sense of hearing my name called! I am not sure where the voice is coming from…..all the same, I hear it and know that in the mean time, I can’t get too lost!
on November 20, 2005, 11:17 am
Dear Margaret (and forum readers!)
Jo
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