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Posted by visiting guest on 11/24/2005, 1:41 am, in reply to "Lifecoaching relationship problems" I checked out parts of your website and it is definitely a positive place... seems to be designed for those struggling with self esteem and taking care of themselves during rough times. I noticed this paragraph and it brought to mind some of the times that others have contacted me, reaching out for a chat when they felt lonely. Here is the paragraph from your site: "When low in mood, you may feel like keeping to yourself. Thoughts go around in your head telling you that if you reach out to others, they may see you as: boring, not worth knowing, self absorbed. The more you distant yourself from others by listening to the thoughts in your head, the more low you will feel. However hard it is, overide your thoughts and take the courage to call a friend if only for a few minutes having someone to talk to will make you feel better, or visit a family member. By reaching out to others, people will naturally find you interesting and this will help your confidence and self-esteem to increase." **** My mother always said -- when you feel low or down, do something kind, generous, helpful, sweet, meaningful for SOMEONE ELSE. She said -- idle chit chat is fine with your closest friends who are fine with that, but not everybody has time or desire for idle chit chat... so you'd better find something of value to offer others... as it will make you feel great to help others (who may be worse off than you). When you bring something to the table for others - even if its laughter, or assistance, or intelligent interesting offerings.... you will feel better about yourself for not only reaching out to others, but actually ADDING VALUE to OTHERS lives.... and then you DEFINITELY won't have to wonder about appearing self-absorbed. The thoughtfulness you bring to others allows you to STEP OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF and your low mood. Most importantly, don't take it too hard if the recipient of your generosity isn't gushing with gratitude or returning the generosity right back to you. You're doing kind things for others because it is a way to lift your spirits without obligation to others. When you can take that sensitivity toward yourself and turn it around toward others -- meaning -- develop intuition about others, be sensitive to what others may need, find your empathy for those in need of your empathy -- you can open up all sorts of doors. So many "sensitive" people are only sensitive to their *own* plights (and those of their lovers)...... and this can make these people seem self-absorbed.... which makes healthier people avoid them. I'm amazed how much people are struggling to figure out what their needs are and struggling even more about how to get their needs met. As someone once quoted - most people are walking around, umbilical cord in hand, looking for a new place to plug it in. People need a lot of direction with figuring out who they are and how to get peaceful acceptance with that... so that they can start to make a difference outside themselves..... and stop wasting time wallowing in self-doubt. There is a lot of grieving going on out there... and a lot of disconnect from real life.
Hi Samantha,
I will agree that sometimes reaching out to chat with someone can lift your mood when you're feeling low. But it is very important to choose carefully *who* you reach out and chat with, and *what* you decide to chat about. Some people aren't as receptive or available as others, and, if one comes across as needing regular interaction from an acquaintance in order to feel OK about themselves, it can be a bit draining if they aren't in tune to that person they are reaching out to. In otherwords, the best interactions are mutually beneficial, meaning, try to bring something to the table for the other person.
Thank you.
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