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Posted by Concerned and Hurt on 3/9/2006, 8:31 am I am divorced from a marriage that was full of my husband's secrets. I healed from that experience and met a great guy a year and a half later. There is a 5 1/2 year age difference - he's younger - we're in our 30's. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and living together for the past three. We've often discussed marriage and enjoy our time with each another's family. A year and a half ago, he was diagnosed with a cyst that has caused tremendous headaches, dizzy spells, some cognitive impairments, and possible seizures. The only reason he told me about this diagnosis was because I confronted him. He had changed from being a very active person to one who was withdrawn and did little else beside work and sleep. Because of my past experiences, I feared he was having an affair and knew I had to talk to him about my concerns. Of course, I was horrified to learn that he was ill to such a degree and expressed my disappointment that he hadn't told me about it started (he said the headaches had been going on for two months). Over the past year, he has seen a neurologist to try to get a handle on the headaches and the related issues. Initially, I went to the appointments with him and researched all that I could to learn what could be done. I asked a lot of questions of the doctors, and wanted to be by his side for any news or decisions that had to be made. After two appointments he asked me not go to the doctor with him anymore because he "felt stupid" when I asked so many questions, and he preferred to not talk about his illness. He compartmentalizes most things in his life in this way and I've often felt left out because of it. If his work is stressful, he'll ask me to not ask about it. When he was in college, he didn't talk to me or was vague about his classes even though he knew I was genuinely interested in his studies. He says he wants the time we spend together to be pleasant, and discussing stressors will only cause him to feel the pressure. Two years ago, after he moved in I questioned him about whether or not he was attending college. There was no mail from the university and he seemed to be studying less. I worried that he had quit either because he couldn't afford it, or felt as if he couldn't work full-time, attend school full-time AND have quality time with me. He assured me that he was still in school and he had a PO box for all of his school mail (due to a stalking experience). I believed him because I couldn't imagine why he would lie to me. As it turns out, he did stop attending university but not for the reasons I suspected. This past weekend, during another heart-to-heart about our relationship (these are few and I am always the one to bring them up), he finally admitted to me that his headaches began more than 2 1/2 years ago (a full year before he told me). He said he didn't tell me because he was afraid and didn't want to burden me. He also said he doesn't think he would have ever told me, if the MRI hadn't revealed the cyst. He suffered for a full year without seeing a doctor, convinced there was nothing that could be done. I am very concerned for him. He's having other symptoms now that are beginning to interfere with his work and he cannot enjoy the sports that were a big part of his life. The problem is, even since he found out there was a cause, he has not been very aggressive in pursuing care. I've had to remind him to schedule appointments and encourage him to tell his doctors how this is really affecting his life (he says he doesn't tell them everything because he holds on to his "good days"). He has had a referral to a neuro-rehab therapist for more than three months and has yet to set the appointment. I tend to be very aggressive about any health concern (early detection is critical), so it's hard for me to sit back and not be more involved, or even comprehend how he can be in such pain and not be in high-speed pursuit of a remedy. (In case you wonder, he is taking an anti-depressant - if it's not working, he should let the doctor know, which is another example of what I'm referring to.) In addition, his father asks him to only tell his mother the positives about his health because she's been very emotional since they found out about the cyst. As you might guess, he didn't want to tell them, but I insisted they had a right to know: even though they live several hours away and, yes, even though it will upset and worry them. Over the past year, I’ve forced myself to keep silent because of his request. As a result, our communication has not been as open and I've felt shut out. If marriage or the future is discussed, I'm always the one to bring it up and he never follows through on the things he says he will do. He has also lost sight of the goals he had when we first met. It's as if he's let the illness take over and he doesn’t believe anything can be done to help. I feel it could be managed much better if he'd take charge of his health. Here's the summary (finally!): He lied to me when he had many opportunities to tell me he wasn't in school anymore. He pretended to be in school when he wasn't. He concealed an illness from me for a full year and was content to continue to deal with it alone until I confronted him. He minimizes the severity of his symptoms to me on a regular basis. In my life experience, secrets are never good - especially between people who love each other. I am very concerned that given his father's pattern of protecting his mother's emotions (there are other instances of "let's not tell her because it will upset her"), it is unlikely he will change. In my gut, I know I will have trouble trusting him. If he cannot reveal a health issue to me, isn't it likely that other, more taboo, issues will also be concealed? I can't imagine a future with him now that I know he felt justified to lie to me to spare my emotions. For 2 1/2 years he hasn't given me the full story or allowed me to be active in his health care. This isn't the kind of partnership I want for the long haul. I feel we've reached an impasse. It's a philosophical difference - I want a partnership with complete honesty and he believes in going it alone and keeping secrets when the truth might be difficult. Am I justified in leaving the relationship for these reasons? Is it cruel to exit when someone is ill? What do I tell our friends and family, given that he hasn't told any of them the full story on his health, much less that he lied to me (and probably them) about school?
I apologize in advance for the length of this note, but I feel it’s important to include all of it.
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