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Posted by Surf66 Nay, rather, every tedious stride I make
on 5/16/2006, 9:44 am
From the porch I see other steps missing and, like the railings, they are gone or were never installed....... I once showed you the nicest rooms of this place I've created....this almost half completed dream. Here a sun-filled sky greets every day. Outside the mountains behind and the ocean in the distance and everywhere outside the hills of straw grass wave in the breeze. We'd watch the dawn and sunsets; my arms around you while its light warmed us through windows white framed and sparkling new . Kristi ...you are everywhere here... Deep subtle conditions to this careworn haunt hang like pictures on the walls: The moment I loved you, the moment I dreamed of you, the moment you looked in my eyes, the places we kissed... the years ...the years we cared for each other quietly, and the moment we both turned away; each of us committed to another. These stillife images are frozen in time since last we embraced and you held me goodbye.
.... Kristi, they are mounted onto raw wood. In this place the floors are underlayment, the cieling is exposed to beams, the wiring ends capped... no fixtures, No trim , no hardwood, no carpeting, where trash is strewn from dreams started unfinished. spiderwebs fill the corners.. There is no more I can do here...no matter how often I walk around these rooms. The foundation on which they sit is built on pride, lost moments...and thin air....
I've gone to other sites.... and spoken boastfullly: declaring my independence. In my heart I hoped you would follow me and witness my resolve. ....and you did.... quietly, silently..... coming to those places to watch me claim other emotions, see me stride across those landscapes in steely resolution and self-knowledge,....even witness advice I've offered to others...as if love for you was as dismissable as a passing turn of seasons or some affectation. Unless you find this place, see this and run to me...... you will have gone for good. I can feel your absence. In these last months...just by what I've said and written; anyone could have determined I would walk away from this house.....but I've lost so much of my heart to it Kristi. and now, I'm afraid I've done nothing, nothing by having been here but add another unfinished room to this collosal heartache I've constructed. Here in this place you've read my resolve......but.... sweetheart, it is meaningless.......... dear, sweet Kristi, no matter what I do.... I am destined never to get over you. I am destined to always have you in my heart. No matter where I go or what I do..... I know I'll pass by this house again and again... and there it will always be: standing on its hill alone: unfinished, unoccupied, Unsold, unwanted.....all mine......a monument to my futile love and a scar on my soul....a place you will never see. How wonderful and terrible it is for me.... loving you, Kristi. Its a depth as bottomless as an abyss and I've fallen into it....... I love you now. I will love you always.
I'm not in the right place. There should be more rocks. More storms. more sheets of whipping spray and stinging sand halfway between land and sea where no heart's dream can stand and be recognized....where all is a battle against the rips and tides of life. ...where no seam opens to admit impossible love.
Will but remember me what a deal of world
I wander from the woman that I love.
Must I not serve a long apprenticehood
To foreign passages, and in the end,
Having my freedom, boast of nothing else
But that I was a journeyman to grief and sadness?
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