[ Post a Response | Mending Broken Hearts ]
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Posted by Tropan So, I have this wonderful girl, Sharese. We've been together since April 11, 04. I moved cross-country to be with her after we formed a long-distance relationship. This is just background info, but oh well. This is -the- one, my life is full when I am with her, I actually love life. Now, recently...or..the past 6months or so. I have been unemployed, half-heartedly doing jobsearches. I know this is my main fault with the problems recently. She is basically supporting the both of us, and gah, I feel so horrible for it. But I keep postponing jobsearching. Of course, at the moment the is no car or phone to use but still. I kept putting it off, grabbing an occassional application or two when I felt like it. Now, present day...there has been a ..'wall' building between us and it really hurts. I keep trying to hug, back massages...snuggle in bed. And do what any other guy would try to do. When I get really lonely, it end up seaarching for porn to take my midn off things...like 3-4times since I have been with her. She has caught me everytime I think, and it's understandable that she feels betrayed, but to talk to her online friends about me, and not to me doesn't help. I love her with all my heart and if I could I would take back those few times and just eat a sandwich if I could. Anyways, this morning it all broke loose. I had to find out why and I did...it was exactly the unemployment. Also the porn (remeber the 'wall' and loneliness? yea..no excuse though) She's taken off the engagement ring till I get a job. This is a stab in the heart, as when we talked about love...for me it's not something you do that too. The ring was a representation of my life, giving it to her. So now, I feel like...I am not allowed to love her (place the ring back on her finger) until I atone. But how long will this take...I have no clue. it's only been a few hours, but the guilt..depression...just the emotions...it's nearly unbearable. I've been trying to think of all these punishments for myself. Like not eating till I get a job, keeping myself outside unless she is home...not allowing myself to touch her at all...things like that. It's not healthy, but damnit...I deserve it. I've ruined my life, for the moment anyways. I hope to god this is only for the moment and I can fix myself. I never say 'I Love You' to anyone, even jokingly except for my dad, my brother and her. It really feels like a stab in the heart when she stopped wearing my love, I will do whatever I can to stop the bleeding..but will it be fast enough? Am I a horrible guy? Am I a horrible Fiance...I don't know, sure feels like I am. Lots more to say, but I've let enough out for now. I'm not religious or anything, but I pray that she forgives me.
on 8/25/2005, 5:18 pm
Ok, this is more just to organize my thoughts, and get all these feelings out of me. They are just building up...
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