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Posted by Balance My experiences have been silly, sad, crazy, ignorant, depressive, hell you name it it's been all of the above. First I used to visit this board very often last year cuz I was soooo heart broken. Yeah I'm a 30 year old black male back then was 29 and right when I thought I had it going on and was in control this girl took away her love for me and left me in shambles. Oh yes, I cried like a baby for several months. Naw, I'm not gonna get up here and say "hey yall, it gets better" cuz I'm still healing with plenty of help from my higher guides such as angels or whatever you wish to call them. This girl was special to me. We met a day before my birthday on New Years Eve. We met over the phone dating service and she came over, we talked, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. I wasn't very attracted towards her because she was abit on the heavy side NOT SAYING ANYTHING IS WRONG WITH HEAVY WOMEN BUT I JUST WASN'T FEELING HER IN THAT WAY cuz I've met several heavy women that was appealing to me. Anyway, well her conversation is what captivated me plus the fact that she had a good job, car, her own place, no kids, her age was 26, went to church, and took two showers every day, and over all, she was nice to me. I have learned from the past not to have sex with a person until marriage cuz it binds the two people emotionally so I tried to fight the temptation. Yeah I know I said I wasn't really feeling her because she was thick but she still had some sex appeal to her. Well one day she came over to my place and was planning on spending the night so she hops in the shower and came out smelling all good n things and started kissing me over my neck n stuff. I told her to stop cuz it was turning me on but she kept kissing me so one thing led to another. I HAD SEX....BOOO HOOOO...DAMMIT GREG! Sorry bout that guys just had to let that one out. So anyway back to the story, we had sex and kept having sex over the course of a year. Within that year we argued like crazy mostly because of her weight. Her height is 4"11 and weight closed to 200 lbs and I wanted her to go on a diet mainly because of health issues plus I wanted by baby to be fine and sexy to me. I mean, I want want to do the same, get in the gym and get sexy for her as well so I wanted us to complement each other as far as the gym thing goes. Well she had big issues about that but insisted that she was willing to do it for me if it meant to keep me with her. Well I told her that I didn't want to rush into a relationship to fast because basically I wasn't ready but we did keep having sex and going to the movies n stuff....so in the eyes of many, we were in a relationship. You see ladies, here’s' the deal....one of the main reason why men are afraid of commitments is because we fear that we would be missing out on something or someone better. Even though there is no such thing in the world but in our minds we believe that so we try to keep our options open for the perfect one but as yall all know, that perfect one never appears no matter how sexy she looks...it's always some sort of problems that accompanies the woman so I was just wishing to find someone better then her. Anyway, as we dated, kicked it, or whatever you want to call it, she met my parents, I met her parents, we slept over each others house but all alone I was afraid of getting to close to her of fear of getting too emotionally attached....fear of getting hurt. Unlike most men, I'll admit my faults. I did spend time with other women...even had sex with them....why? Because that was my way of escaping the other woman’s emotions. I wanted to be with other women so that my mind could distinguish the two and not be so stuck on one woman that could possibly hurt me...yeah I know it sounds silly but at the time that's how I felt. Well she had breast reduction surgery because she was very out of shape and her breast were un even and I was like "Baby let's try to get you back fine again....I'll be there for you through it all cuz I do love you". See by that time I have already fallen in love with her because she put up with my mess for so long and we just spent so much time to gether. So after the breast reduction surgery about a month later, her whole attitude changed. She felt more confident because her breast were allot nicer looking but she had a scar under the breast which she resented me for until this day. She said that she did all that for me but I did ask her if that was what she wanted and she agreed to do it. I even tried to talk her out of it cuz it would make her stomach stick out more but again, she still wanted the surgery! Okay so February of 2004 she left me and told me she don't care if she would never see me again. I cried like a three year old baby....I really loved her so much and it's hard to win my love due to an early child hood trauma I had to experiences. Well I cried for three months every day straight non stop...everything reminded me of her... I was sick yall here me? So about in mind June of 2004 I broke down "YES I BROKE THE NO CONTACT RULE" and ask how she was doing and she said she was doing fine. As most of you whose familiar with breaking the no contact rule knows, she was cold as ever. She was brief, mean, told me she had another man and just a b###h towards me...pardon my French. This made me more depressed so I went to a psych doctor and put me on some anti-depressants which didn't help much. Finally we discuss shock treatment because I was out of it emotionally. I cried every single day for months. So I had to travel to San Antonio to receive a series of 13 shock treatments. Did they work? Well I would like to think so cuz the emotional pain has eased greatly but have done allot of meditation, prayer, affirmations, even went out on as many dates as possible... Okay now here's the current situation. About three months after my ex left me say around May of 2004 I met this lady that was 32 at the time. She had 4 kids, lived in housing assistance, no job, no money, no car...I mean this woman was really out of my league but I was desperate and just need anyone to be with to help take my mind off my ex. Me and this new lady began talking and sharing our life's experiences and the same day I met her which was over Internet she came over and we messed around a little. We didn't have sex but oral sex. Yeah Know this is abit to much to disclose but I'm just letting yall know what my experience has been like. Anyway, me and this new girl started hanging out all at the same time I would have these crying spells over my ex and she knew this. She told me she understood and would always be there for me no matter what. Those are the words a man or woman loves to hear in times of stress you know? So after about four months I began thinking about her and her living situation and wanted to offer some help. She had confided in me that she was bi-polar (depression) and had to be hospitalized because of it so I suggested that she go talk with her doctors to see if she still was bipolar and they agreed. Then I suggested that if this is the case then she should be entitled for some sort of disability cuz this disease was preventing her from working so she applied and was approved! Wow...I prayed that God would help this woman cuz I was liking her and I knew she was a single parent and wanted the best for her children so that worked out perfectly. They back paid her about $ 4,000.00 and her monthly check would be around $2,000.00 because of the amount of children she has which is 4. To be continued........
on 8/31/2005, 7:41 am
I hope some of yall like to read....cuz this is like a long true storty tht I just had to share.
Some people may disagree with me when I stated that sometimes making contact is a good thing but let me explain this abit further. When we love someone, we really love them there is no denying that simple fact. It's kind of hard to turn off love like a faucet and just let go or "break off all contact" but sometimes we need closure.
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