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Posted by Balance So I felt as though I have brought a great blessing into her life and at the same time was falling in love with her....and you guessed it....WE HAD...INTAMACY...THE KIND WHERE YOU LOOK INTO THE OTHER PERSONS EYES AND SAY "I LOVE YOU". Dammit I hate that I did that cuz I release emotions and began to feel weak and vulnerable. So then we get into an argument and didn't speak for about a month. After a month I was like good cuz she has too many kids anyway cuz I don't have any so as you can see that's DRAMA OR BAGGAGE! Well after about a month I was missing her but never called but she called. I talk with her over the phone and we agreed to meet up that night/Saturday and go out for some dinner, rent a movie and just chill out at my place. Well after about a year of having sex with her, I became used to her and wanted her so bad and so we did the nasty. I really took it a step further this time cuz while I was looking into her eyes and saying I loved you and missed you....I SAID I SAID I WANTED HER TO HAVE MY BABY! Yeah I know...a big no no right? That night I took her home and about two night later I picked her up again and we had sex again with me saying the same damn words! Yes people, I was falling for this un-equally yoked person! So about a month goes by she tells me she's pregnant. I was like have it and I would be there to support it. But then shortly after that we got into an argument and I said over the phone that I didn't want her to have my child...I said that out of anger but anyway, she went into her bathroom cabinet and took a whole bunch of pills trying to kill the baby or have a miscarriage. She told me this and I was pissed but then she explained to me that she was hurt that I would say something like that and now she didn't wanna have it cuz there could be a chance that the baby would be deformed if she had it because of all the pills she had taken. I thought about it and agreed...I didn't want a deformed baby neither plus not to mention she had four kids already and deep down in my heart I didn't want a woman with four kids...hell I still don't but my feelings were already involved. So I figured this was Gods way of giving me an escape route from her and leave for good. So I told her it was over but the more I pushed away, the more she was into me! STRANG! Okay so then kept dating other women cuz I wanted to get my mind off her and put to much focus on her. Well she called one time and I didn't answer and haven't called for two whole weeks. Well after not hearing from her for two weeks, hell I started missing her so I went by her house to see her and to see if she wanted to hang out and go to the movies that night/Friday. She told me that she had already met someone new and was going to give him a chance and I was like okay well I won't call you anymore. She was like okay like nothing matters. On my way home ....I CRIED AND CRIED AND BOO HOOD AND CRIED....I was crying so hard that I couldn't even drive straight! I went to the local grocery store to get some sleeping pills and the people that worked there knows me and new I was devastated. So I told myself that if I can get through a similar situation before then I an do it again but those words meant nothing cuz I was heart broken....just the thought of her having sex with another man was just too unbearable. So about five weeks went by with no phone calls, no visits, no emails, NOTHING! So guess what I did? I broke down and took my black $##ss over there and started begging for her love again. I was weak, no esteem left inside, needy, you name it, I was that person. She was telling me that her and that guy wasn't speaking as much because basically he got want he wanted which was sex and stopped calling her and changed his number. Oh gosh, just by listening to her tell me this was hurting sooo bad cuz I'm knowing that she had sex....noooooo! Okay so now it's time to get to the end of this novel. I would confess my love for her over and over again, telling her how much I need here and even wanted to marry her which is what I was opposed to since we've been knowing each other. I told her I would even purchase a house, whatever she wanted I would do. PEOPLE, THIS IS THE REASON WHY NO CONTACT IS REALLY THE MOST POWERFUL METHER AVAILABE BECAUSE WEAKNESS NEVER PREVAILS! So after about a week waking up in cold sweats looking at my caller id to see if she had called which most times she didn't I mean it was hard on a broth. So on the seventh day of me making contact with her, I straight up asked her if she wanted to be with me or not if if she didn't want to then all contact would be broken off. Well ofcoures she said she didn't want me and plus hearing me saying I will never contact her again was like a joke cuz I said those famous words once before and I went back on them so now she's probably just waiting for me to contact her.....but only if she knew...I’ve taking some drastic measures in my life to ensure I wouldn't make that mistake again. It's like after you make contact with an ex they feel like they've won and leaves you feeling like a loser. But sometimes I do feel it is good to know which means to make contact so that your mind could be at ease. You see, even though I kind of hate that I made contact, in a wear way I'm glad I did cuz if I hadn't then I would have been going through life wondering what if she really loved me, what if I would have shown more etc. Well people now I know and since I KNOW now I can go one with a more peaceful state of mind. Yeah I still think of her and the feelings are still there but each day the pain gets lesser and lesser. I'm met new women but I'm also learning not to jump straight into a relationship no matter how lonely I get. Yeah this may have been one of the longest post yall have ever read but I'm hoping that yall know that no one's alone. We all feel pain and we all hurt. I understand how most of you may feel when getting your heart broken. Like I said, I'm doing a number of measures to cure my mind from affirmation, I went to a hypnotherapist, some anti-depressants aka xanax, prayer, energy clearing my home, feng shui...that is an ancient are of changing our furniture around to help positive energy flow correctly into your home and let me tell yall....that works! Before, my furniture was in the same position since I moved here about two years ago and within those two years allot of stuff has happened. The way the furniture was positioned reminded me of all of my ex's, the joy, the pain, the negativity, memory's you name it...it all reminded me of these activities so when I learn about feng shui I changed my furniture around and it seems to have help some...at least it's sending my subconscious a message that I want it to let go of the past and create new good memories. If anyone wishes to chat with me the feel free....My heart goes out to all of you whose going through a break up......yet I believe this is all to teach us more about ourselves.....God bless.
on 8/31/2005, 7:43 am
Continuation from last post.....
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