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Posted by Jackie on 10/17/2005, 9:31 pm About 7 months into my current relationship, a few days before my birthday (we've been together close to a year now), I was on my boyfriend's computer, looking up an address on mapquest. I typed in "ma" and waited for mapquest to come up. It didn't. match.com did, however. I felt sick to my stomach and thought that maybe it was a long time ago that he hit that site. Came to find out he had an active profile on match.com and had been checking it within the last 5 days. I sat down in front of him, said I had stumbled upon recent activity on match.com. He denied it repeatedly. I told him it's not an assumption that I made... I actually saw that he was checking results from his profile as well as going through oodles of personals on craigslist within the last 5 days. When he finally owned up, he said that he was only on there to see if an ex-girlfriend still had an active profile. I was talking to a girlfriend about how I felt lied to, she looked online, downloaded his profile and concurred that it was an active profile. My boyfriend and I had about 3 brief discussions about it before I finally said that I would drop it and that if there is something he feels he's not getting from me, to tell me; no lies; we're both adults and I don't want to waste my time with someone who lies to me or lies to himself about what he is or isn't OK with in a relationship. If there is something he really wants, let's work on it together type stuff. He rendered his profile inactive, apologized and said that in regard to personals ads, he looks at them out of curiosity of what people put out there for others to respond to. I've done the same thing and on rare occasions I wonder about ex boyfriends, not enough to seek them out on a dating web site as he claims to have done, but I suspended my beliefs in right and wrong... I'm one to close one door before opening another. And I accepted his word as truth and was glad that he displayed a sign of respect for what we have between us. Well, this weekend I was looking up another address on his computer and match.com came up again. I took a quick browse through the last week of his activity, saw that he's back up on match.com and was checking responses to his profile. He was also looking at ads for "Free Blow Jobs in LA" and "Silverlake artist type looking for doctor" (he's a doctor) Also, after washing a few of his clothes along with my own this weekend, I was placing his folded clothes on top of another pile of clothes in his closet and discovered a checkbook. I thought... jeez I wonder if he realizes this thing is here. I looked in the ledger to see if he had written checks from it recently and saw that he wrote a check for $2,000 to an ex-girlfriend the day after his birthday (the day after I hung out with his family for a few hours with him and spend $400 on a gift for him). He has almost nothing positive to say about this ex and she said many hurtful things to him that he doesn't forget. Am I being paranoid to think that there's something going on with him that I should be concerned about? He has said several times since the first match.com discussion that I have nothing to worry about, that it's by far the best sex he's ever had, that I'm so good to him that all other previous women fade away, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, his family loves me, his dad always pesters him about asking me to marry him, his friends like me, one even calls me the perfect woman because I like to watch sports in addition to everything else that I am for this guy. Anyone have a similar experience where they can play devil's advocate and quell my sick stomach? I'm 36 and I don't want to waste time in something that isn't right for me. On the other hand, I'm pretty quirky, smart and feel as if the guys I've had long-term, serious relationships with make me feel not-so-alone in the universe. When times are good I feel completely right with him. When times are not good, he has me feeling like I'm in one galaxy and he's phoning it in from another. He's not a young guy, either. He's closing in on 50, so I guess I would think there's honesty there.
I'm really not a snoop in my relationships and I don't cheat. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm forthcoming about what I want. I get and give great sex, I'm giving, I'm forgiving, flexible, negotiable, I get hit on most times I go out but I would never compromise someone I agree to be exclusive with. I'm in with both feet or not at all.
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