Posted by mick
on 6/16/2008, 11:28 am, in reply to "Re: Why are you a closet smoker?"
130.49.162.50
Marilyn Hladysh- Listen here, I really want to agree with you, but I don't and can't.
Every bit of experience I have, when it comes to people's opinions regarding someone coming 'out' as a smoker in later or mid life (45) tells me that people just don't and won't get it.
Seriously.
You might be a rare exception to this rule, but most people would be dumbfounded and incredulous. People in 'real life' as we know it, don't just take up cigs at this age.
They know better.
The only people that start smoking, in reality, are those that are not as smart about it or have a reason to be 'bad' - ie: young people, teenagers, etc. Ya know? 
Speaking of reality - and how this is true --> If I were to suddenly start smoking in front of those that knew me, I am talking about my friends and family, they would do everything they could to intervene and stop me.
Of course.
As it would be tragic, in their minds, for me to pick up such an awful and harmful habit like smoking - especially when a) I should know better, and b) they KNOW me to be a non-smoker!
It is complicated, as it bumps up against so many of our ways of being towards each other.
You know as well as I do, that we (unless one is a recluse and shuns others - and I do not) live in two worlds:
One - our own world comprising our views, actions, traits... how we know ourselves...
And Two: the other world is the 'space' that others hold for us - their views, opinions of us.
Two realities making up one whole ---> theirs and ours all distilled into one.
You cannot discount the impact and force the second part has upon us!
It's not like I am weak, a wimp, afraid...it's that in many ways I just cannot even imagine the FALL OUT that would occur.
You gotta get it...I am better off just stopping, which is the dilemma, cause I love to smoke, have for YEARS...
To respond to your query relating to your sisters, I really don't know what to say.
That is pretty wild indeed.
You know what you could do?
Go to Yahoo Answers and post it there.
YAs is a HUGE community of folks that love to give others insight and answers to their questions... about anything.
If you are not a member, you have to register. It is real easy and free to do.
I am thinking the best way to get advice on a topic like yours is to go to a non-biased, more mainstream forum of people who would have a whole different take on it than I or anyone else here would.
I just don't think we could see the forest as well, cause we are mostly in the trees (you know the expression - it goes something like that...) Peace!
--Previous Message--
: Hi,
: I have 2 sisters who live together. They
: are 51 and 53 and I know they are closet
: smokers. I have known they smoked for 30
: years now and except for once when I was a
: teenager (and also a smoker ) - have never
: brought it up to them. I feel that being a
: closet smoker is really messing up their
: lives. As far as I know they never even
: smoke in front of each other. I feel that
: it is a problem in their life because I
: think it stops them from feeling comfortable
: when they are travelling; visiting, even
: working. One of them has a son who pretty
: much lived with the both of them growing up.
: I don't know if he knows/acknowleges that
: they smoke or not - it's not something we
: have ever talked about but he recently got
: married and they are feeling like the
: relationship with him is a bit stained now
: and I feel that part of this failure to get
: along with his new wife is that they are
: always disappearing to smoke or they are not
: relaxed because they want to leave to have a
: smoke. Failing to acknowledge that they
: smoke makes it hard to have a good
: relationship with anyone.
:
: Personally - I think that if you just
: started smoking in front of people they
: would go - like what are you doing and you
: say I'm smoking or something - it's not
: really a big deal to anyone else.
: Especially when you are older; everyone
: feels like you know all of the dangers and
: it's your choice to make. Or they say oh -
: I never knew you smoked and you go - yeah I
: didn't used to smoke at work but now I do -
: I really don't think after the initial
: surprise that it goes much further than
: that.
:
: Anyway, I'm debating on confronting my
: sisters and telling them that Iknow you
: smoke and I think that hiding it is really
: having a negative impact on your life and
: your relationships.
:
: What do you think?
:
: --Previous Message--
: I have been a closeted f#*k for 30 years
: now.
:
: In a way I love it, it is my little secret
: (difficult as heck sometimes though)...
:
: On the other hand, I would so love to
: smoke freely like any other smokers...sigh.
: I know for a fact that the reason I am in
: the closet is my parents, who are majorly
: intolerant of smoking and would 'die' if
: they knew - both smoked before years before
: quitting when I was little - now they both
: live 500 miles away and I see maybe twice a
: year!!!
:
: Thing is, everyone in my life knows me as a
: non-smoker, especially my wife (!!!).
:
: It is so much a part of my 'self image' -
: being a non-smoker, I could never be
: anything else (publicly to my friends and
: family, that is).
:
: Like many, I smoke freely when away from
: folks I know. I live in a large enough city
: that that is not a big problem at all to
: smoke daily like this, walking around in the
: day, at school, easy to get away with.
:
: What a life huh?
:
: Talk to me.
: Any of you have similar circumstances?
: Does anyone relate to me?
:
: I could never come out, too many people
: would be blown away.
: You don't just 'start smoking' out of the
: blue at 45 years old - ya know?
: Arrrgghh.
:
:
:
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