Posted by Erika M on 8/2/2008, 12:25 pm
66.61.7.134
After almost 10 months of having been smoke-free, I finally broke down. My daughter is almost 2 months old and in order to not have someone else move into my job, I had to return to work a little earlier than I was planning. I was hoping to be able to be a stay-at-home mom, but unfortunately we just couldn’t swing it financially. Luckily we found a daycare that is pretty close to home and came highly recommended. I had to stop breastfeeding after about four weeks because she wasn’t getting enough milk and ever since then, I’ve been fighting the urge to smoke. Probably the only thing keeping me from starting again was the fact that I was home with her all day. Once I started back to work it just kind of happened.
I work a little bit over 30 minutes from home and since the daycare is just around the corner from where we live, it leaves me with a lot of travel time alone which I knew from the first day was going to be a problem as this was always when I enjoyed smoking the most. I made it to the third day before breaking down and buying a pack on the way to work. It felt like I had never quit!
So now I am really conflicted. I never thought that I would be a “smoking mom”. I had always planned to quit and stay that way and I thought that if I could quit for 10 months, then I could do it for good. It just seemed that once the baby’s health wasn’t at stake, I lost a lot of my motivation. I don’t feel bad about it because of my daughter. I only smoke about 5 cigarettes a day and NEVER around her. It will be a long time before I could even be a bad influence if she found out I smoke. The biggest problem is my husband. He has no idea I’ve started again. A former smoker himself (and the reason I started in the first place), he was pretty adamant about neither of us smoking once we had kids. He was pretty much a chain smoker until he quit a few years ago. He was tolerant of my smoking once he quit (maybe he felt guilty since he kind of got me started) but from things he has said, I don’t think he would be so tolerant now. I managed to sneak around for about 2 months before he caught me a few years ago and I’m wondering how long I can pull it off this time. If I hadn’t gotten a little careless I don’t think he would ever have caught on before. He is quite possibly the world’s most oblivious man when it comes to noticing things and he also has a terrible sense of smell.
I know I’m rambling. I just feel really bad that I even started again and truly don’t want anyone else to know (I haven’t even smoked at work yet). I also don’t want to quit. If anyone has suggestions, I’m more than willing to listen.
Erika
Message Thread:
« Back to thread