Posted by Kris
on 12/28/2008, 9:35 am
207.216.1.117
Well this is the first I have written about this... that is how much in the closet I am. Reading the other posts, I'm not sure what is real and what isn't. Anyhow I'll tell you my real story. I started smoking when I was 11. I'm 39 now. All of it in the closet. At first it was after my parents went to bed and I would quietly open the door and smoke beside the house looking to avoid open windows. Then it was occasionally in my car with I incessently clean. Always always always managed to change the subject if smoking came up. Now I live in an apartment that noone, even family, has been to in 4 years. This is my sanctuary where I can "be myself" - or is it "be someone else" (not sure!)- where at least I can relax. Outside of home though I never smoke. Unless I am travelling which I like to do by myself as I can BE a SMOKER as I don't know anyone. SO WORRIED, and always have been, about what people think of me. I'm a pretty smart guy... definate "thinker" type... and people think I am a good worker etc. But I have no friends. Anyone that does smoke... well I don't what them to out me... and I do not want people who don't smoke to think less of me. Ironically though... when alone... I get some kind of weird charge. I feel self-confident that I am doing what "I" want to do. And that leads to a bit of a fetish thing. Had a couple girlfriends who smoked (actually I lied there didn't I... one girlfriend lived with me for a year) and they thought it was "cute" that I smoked in private. I loved being with those girls as they were more publicly "wild" than me and people did not bat an eyelash if they smoked. However, sometimes I would get upset that they did smoke in public as I "couldn't". So now, no girlfriend, no friends to speak of, afraid of family, and feeling like life is passing me by. I get so amazed when I see people smoking. To me it is Mt Everest. Sure I could come out the closet to someone... but then there is someone else... and others... and yet more people... all telling them that I am "stupid". I never went through a rebellious stage... and that is probably my downfall. It is easy to be 15 and have friends that smoke, oops you get into it... and then tell people you smoke because you were young and dumb, but that was a long time ago and you are just addicted now. But what about when you are 39?? Much too old to be a new smoker given the knowledge of an adult... and also too old to admit you have been lying to everyone for all these years.
Best answer is quit right? Well that freaks me out. I do not "feel" like a smoker (about 10 a day) and therefore can smoke without guilt as it isn't "me" that is smoking. I have mentioned this to two "professional" people and they both kind of shrugged it off even though I must have been beat red and shaking like a leaf when I told them. It bothers me that they do not understand the gravity of my situation. Hmm. Just reaching out to you guys and girls here to maybe get some insite with what is going on for me. Sorry this is so long.
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