Posted by Daniel on 12/29/2008, 8:28 am, in reply to "Interesting situation"
67.212.18.42
Hello Kris,
I can relate to your story in many ways. You just seem to have taken the closet aspect to a whole new level. I smoke only 3 to 5 cigarettes per week, and easily go longer without. But I think your story isn't all that different from many other people.
You seem to associate smoking with dumbness and/or rebellion. This is my very problem too. I can't think of a reason to come out now, at 34, without a solid excuse like these two things would provide. I believe for most of us here the problem lie with our association of these themes and the importance we give to our image. Strange thing though, I don't think I really associate other smokers to those themes. I am not qualified to make a deeper analysis, but there seems to be in you, like many people here, me included, a sense of self-image and the ideal projection. I'm not sure what causes this in the first place. Why do some people really don't care what others think ?
I learned just last week that a friend of mine has been smoking cigars for 3 years or so. You could tell he really didn't think twice about what anybody would think. He just says he tried one on vacation and liked it, and has decided to smoke them occasionaly. Maybe that should inspire us somehow. I was not judging HIM at all, he's not dumb or rebelious. I was simply jealous of his ability to do that.
Your situation is really difficult though. If that fear of the opinion of others drives you away from family and friends, that sounds like a dangerous social place to be stuck into. I am glad you have talked to somebody about it, but I don't understand why they shrugged it off. From the way you describe your situation here, it sounds like the key to many difficulties you have. Maybe it just goes to show just how much most people don't even think twice about these things.
In my case, I know that if not for my parents, I'd be much more open about my smoking. They both used to be smokers but have become VERY anti over the years. I understand that fear of rejection from one's parents can go a LONG way into making one's life miserable. As you say, on trips, you become somebody else - probably yourself. Imagine if you could apply that to "real" life?
Sorry for the long answer. I just see a lot going on here that I am afraid cannot be easily fixed. The only real advice I can give you is to find a different professional to talk to, and to insist on that specific problem. It may not be the cause of your whole situation, but it's at least a significant symptom of it.
Best of luck.
Daniel
--Previous Message--
: Well this is the first I have written about
: this... that is how much in the closet I am.
: Reading the other posts, I'm not sure what
: is real and what isn't. Anyhow I'll tell
: you my real story. I started smoking when I
: was 11. I'm 39 now. All of it in the
: closet. At first it was after my parents
: went to bed and I would quietly open the
: door and smoke beside the house looking to
: avoid open windows. Then it was
: occasionally in my car with I incessently
: clean. Always always always managed to
: change the subject if smoking came up. Now
: I live in an apartment that noone, even
: family, has been to in 4 years. This is my
: sanctuary where I can "be myself"
: - or is it "be someone else" (not
: sure!)- where at least I can relax. Outside
: of home though I never smoke. Unless I am
: travelling which I like to do by myself as I
: can BE a SMOKER as I don't know anyone. SO
: WORRIED, and always have been, about what
: people think of me. I'm a pretty smart
: guy... definate "thinker" type...
: and people think I am a good worker etc.
: But I have no friends. Anyone that does
: smoke... well I don't what them to out me...
: and I do not want people who don't smoke to
: think less of me. Ironically though... when
: alone... I get some kind of weird charge. I
: feel self-confident that I am doing what
: "I" want to do. And that leads to
: a bit of a fetish thing. Had a couple
: girlfriends who smoked (actually I lied
: there didn't I... one girlfriend lived with
: me for a year) and they thought it was
: "cute" that I smoked in private.
: I loved being with those girls as they were
: more publicly "wild" than me and
: people did not bat an eyelash if they
: smoked. However, sometimes I would get
: upset that they did smoke in public as I
: "couldn't". So now, no
: girlfriend, no friends to speak of, afraid
: of family, and feeling like life is passing
: me by. I get so amazed when I see people
: smoking. To me it is Mt Everest. Sure I
: could come out the closet to someone... but
: then there is someone else... and others...
: and yet more people... all telling them that
: I am "stupid". I never went
: through a rebellious stage... and that is
: probably my downfall. It is easy to be 15
: and have friends that smoke, oops you get
: into it... and then tell people you smoke
: because you were young and dumb, but that
: was a long time ago and you are just
: addicted now. But what about when you are
: 39?? Much too old to be a new smoker given
: the knowledge of an adult... and also too
: old to admit you have been lying to everyone
: for all these years.
: Best answer is quit right? Well that freaks
: me out. I do not "feel" like a
: smoker (about 10 a day) and therefore can
: smoke without guilt as it isn't
: "me" that is smoking. I have
: mentioned this to two
: "professional" people and they
: both kind of shrugged it off even though I
: must have been beat red and shaking like a
: leaf when I told them. It bothers me that
: they do not understand the gravity of my
: situation. Hmm. Just reaching out to you
: guys and girls here to maybe get some insite
: with what is going on for me. Sorry this is
: so long.
:
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