Posted by Johnny on 12/29/2008, 9:50 am, in reply to "Re: Interesting situation"
70.183.164.174
Kris,
I know your having a hard time coming out withit, so why don't you just stay that way. I mean, smoke when you can when non one is around and if your urge picks up just chew some nicorette gum. I would just accept the way it is and embrace it. I used to be like you....but me too, I am concerned with my image etc...so I just do it when no one is around and chew gum when peope are.....just my 2 cents!
wish you well
--Previous Message--
: Thanks Daniel! That is a well thought out
: reply that I very much appreciate. I'll
: tell you what really bothered me about the
: professional when I mentioned my issue... I
: was trying to think of how to explain it,
: and I came up with the gay person parallel.
: I explained that I could understand how
: difficult it must be those gay people to
: come "out of the closet" as the
: reasons in my mind are the same. Not gay
: here by the way! Just was trying to put
: some gravity to my issue for him. Well the
: professional literally laughed and said
: "well this obviously isn't the same
: type of thing we are talking about".
: That really bugged me. Now I am a very
: non-judgemental person... but when I think
: about it, it seems "strange" to me
: that a person being gay is more accepted
: than a person being a smoker. Now please
: noone take that the wrong way! I am not
: saying there is anything wrong with people's
: own choices... it just gets to me that some
: people's choices are more accepted than
: others. People believe that it is not a
: choice for people to be gay and generally
: congratulate them for being who they are,
: yet they believe it is a choice to smoke and
: put down people who have made that choice.
: Now that is a whole other subject. I
: honestly don't feel as though it is a
: "choice" for me. Grandparents,
: parents, parents friends, etc all smoked
: when I was young. I grew up in a house and
: car filled with smoke. It is my belief that
: there must have been something in my head or
: my genes that MADE me a smoker. Why else
: would I have always done this alone, had no
: friends (other than the two girlfriends) who
: smoked, and have continually felt so guilty
: about it. Hmm.
:
: --Previous Message--
: Hello Kris,
:
: I can relate to your story in many ways.
: You just seem to have taken the closet
: aspect to a whole new level. I smoke only 3
: to 5 cigarettes per week, and easily go
: longer without. But I think your story
: isn't all that different from many other
: people.
:
: You seem to associate smoking with dumbness
: and/or rebellion. This is my very problem
: too. I can't think of a reason to come out
: now, at 34, without a solid excuse like
: these two things would provide. I believe
: for most of us here the problem lie with our
: association of these themes and the
: importance we give to our image. Strange
: thing though, I don't think I really
: associate other smokers to those themes. I
: am not qualified to make a deeper analysis,
: but there seems to be in you, like many
: people here, me included, a sense of
: self-image and the ideal projection. I'm
: not sure what causes this in the first
: place. Why do some people really don't care
: what others think ?
:
: I learned just last week that a friend of
: mine has been smoking cigars for 3 years or
: so. You could tell he really didn't think
: twice about what anybody would think. He
: just says he tried one on vacation and liked
: it, and has decided to smoke them
: occasionaly. Maybe that should inspire us
: somehow. I was not judging HIM at all, he's
: not dumb or rebelious. I was simply jealous
: of his ability to do that.
:
: Your situation is really difficult though.
: If that fear of the opinion of others drives
: you away from family and friends, that
: sounds like a dangerous social place to be
: stuck into. I am glad you have talked to
: somebody about it, but I don't understand
: why they shrugged it off. From the way you
: describe your situation here, it sounds like
: the key to many difficulties you have.
: Maybe it just goes to show just how much
: most people don't even think twice about
: these things.
:
: In my case, I know that if not for my
: parents, I'd be much more open about my
: smoking. They both used to be smokers but
: have become VERY anti over the years. I
: understand that fear of rejection from one's
: parents can go a LONG way into making one's
: life miserable. As you say, on trips, you
: become somebody else - probably yourself.
: Imagine if you could apply that to
: "real" life?
:
: Sorry for the long answer. I just see a lot
: going on here that I am afraid cannot be
: easily fixed. The only real advice I can
: give you is to find a different professional
: to talk to, and to insist on that specific
: problem. It may not be the cause of your
: whole situation, but it's at least a
: significant symptom of it.
:
: Best of luck.
: Daniel
:
: --Previous Message--
: Well this is the first I have written about
: this... that is how much in the closet I am.
: Reading the other posts, I'm not sure what
: is real and what isn't. Anyhow I'll tell
: you my real story. I started smoking when I
: was 11. I'm 39 now. All of it in the
: closet. At first it was after my parents
: went to bed and I would quietly open the
: door and smoke beside the house looking to
: avoid open windows. Then it was
: occasionally in my car with I incessently
: clean. Always always always managed to
: change the subject if smoking came up. Now
: I live in an apartment that noone, even
: family, has been to in 4 years. This is my
: sanctuary where I can "be myself"
: - or is it "be someone else" (not
: sure!)- where at least I can relax. Outside
: of home though I never smoke. Unless I am
: travelling which I like to do by myself as I
: can BE a SMOKER as I don't know anyone. SO
: WORRIED, and always have been, about what
: people think of me. I'm a pretty smart
: guy... definate "thinker" type...
: and people think I am a good worker etc.
: But I have no friends. Anyone that does
: smoke... well I don't what them to out me...
: and I do not want people who don't smoke to
: think less of me. Ironically though... when
: alone... I get some kind of weird charge. I
: feel self-confident that I am doing what
: "I" want to do. And that leads to
: a bit of a fetish thing. Had a couple
: girlfriends who smoked (actually I lied
: there didn't I... one girlfriend lived with
: me for a year) and they thought it was
: "cute" that I smoked in private.
: I loved being with those girls as they were
: more publicly "wild" than me and
: people did not bat an eyelash if they
: smoked. However, sometimes I would get
: upset that they did smoke in public as I
: "couldn't". So now, no
: girlfriend, no friends to speak of, afraid
: of family, and feeling like life is passing
: me by. I get so amazed when I see people
: smoking. To me it is Mt Everest. Sure I
: could come out the closet to someone... but
: then there is someone else... and others...
: and yet more people... all telling them that
: I am "stupid". I never went
: through a rebellious stage... and that is
: probably my downfall. It is easy to be 15
: and have friends that smoke, oops you get
: into it... and then tell people you smoke
: because you were young and dumb, but that
: was a long time ago and you are just
: addicted now. But what about when you are
: 39?? Much too old to be a new smoker given
: the knowledge of an adult... and also too
: old to admit you have been lying to everyone
: for all these years.
: Best answer is quit right? Well that freaks
: me out. I do not "feel" like a
: smoker (about 10 a day) and therefore can
: smoke without guilt as it isn't
: "me" that is smoking. I have
: mentioned this to two
: "professional" people and they
: both kind of shrugged it off even though I
: must have been beat red and shaking like a
: leaf when I told them. It bothers me that
: they do not understand the gravity of my
: situation. Hmm. Just reaching out to you
: guys and girls here to maybe get some insite
: with what is going on for me. Sorry this is
: so long.
:
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