Posted by Storm Chaser 46
on 1/1/2009, 6:53 pm, in reply to "Interesting situation"
65.29.119.82
--Previous Message--
: Well this is the first I have written about
: this... that is how much in the closet I am.
: Reading the other posts, I'm not sure what
: is real and what isn't. Anyhow I'll tell
: you my real story. I started smoking when I
: was 11. I'm 39 now. All of it in the
: closet. At first it was after my parents
: went to bed and I would quietly open the
: door and smoke beside the house looking to
: avoid open windows. Then it was
: occasionally in my car with I incessently
: clean. Always always always managed to
: change the subject if smoking came up. Now
: I live in an apartment that noone, even
: family, has been to in 4 years. This is my
: sanctuary where I can "be myself"
: - or is it "be someone else" (not
: sure!)- where at least I can relax. Outside
: of home though I never smoke. Unless I am
: travelling which I like to do by myself as I
: can BE a SMOKER as I don't know anyone. SO
: WORRIED, and always have been, about what
: people think of me. I'm a pretty smart
: guy... definate "thinker" type...
: and people think I am a good worker etc.
: But I have no friends. Anyone that does
: smoke... well I don't what them to out me...
: and I do not want people who don't smoke to
: think less of me. Ironically though... when
: alone... I get some kind of weird charge. I
: feel self-confident that I am doing what
: "I" want to do. And that leads to
: a bit of a fetish thing. Had a couple
: girlfriends who smoked (actually I lied
: there didn't I... one girlfriend lived with
: me for a year) and they thought it was
: "cute" that I smoked in private.
: I loved being with those girls as they were
: more publicly "wild" than me and
: people did not bat an eyelash if they
: smoked. However, sometimes I would get
: upset that they did smoke in public as I
: "couldn't". So now, no
: girlfriend, no friends to speak of, afraid
: of family, and feeling like life is passing
: me by. I get so amazed when I see people
: smoking. To me it is Mt Everest. Sure I
: could come out the closet to someone... but
: then there is someone else... and others...
: and yet more people... all telling them that
: I am "stupid". I never went
: through a rebellious stage... and that is
: probably my downfall. It is easy to be 15
: and have friends that smoke, oops you get
: into it... and then tell people you smoke
: because you were young and dumb, but that
: was a long time ago and you are just
: addicted now. But what about when you are
: 39?? Much too old to be a new smoker given
: the knowledge of an adult... and also too
: old to admit you have been lying to everyone
: for all these years.
: Best answer is quit right? Well that freaks
: me out. I do not "feel" like a
: smoker (about 10 a day) and therefore can
: smoke without guilt as it isn't
: "me" that is smoking. I have
: mentioned this to two
: "professional" people and they
: both kind of shrugged it off even though I
: must have been beat red and shaking like a
: leaf when I told them. It bothers me that
: they do not understand the gravity of my
: situation. Hmm. Just reaching out to you
: guys and girls here to maybe get some insite
: with what is going on for me. Sorry this is
: so long.
:
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