Posted by Norm on 1/3/2009, 10:41 am, in reply to "Re: PS "
71.226.232.40
Okay, so you want not to be a closet smoker, to smoke when you want without being plagued with paranoia and fear.
You're really talking less about a change in behavior than about a change in your emotional state. And emotions are nearly impossible to manage directly. It doesn't work to say, "Stop feeling like that!" or "Feel like this instead."
However, our emotions are greatly affected by our value judgments. If we value something highly, we fear losing it or get angry when someone threatens it. If we don't value it, we are indifferent to the prospect of loss.
So ask yourself what it is you fear losing if someone finds out you smoke. And then ask yourself if it is worth the price of living with fear and paranoia.
In short, if you decide that you are willing to accept criticism and disapproval, then criticism and disapproval will be no threat to you, and there will be nothing left to fear.
I know, easier said than done. We all want people to like us and think well of us. But the fact is that some people will think well of us and some people won't, regardless of what we do or say or what choices we make. You can't please everyone, and there's no point torturing yourself trying.
And regarding the tolerance/intolerance thing, consider that we all tolerate everything except the things that bug us. Being truly gracious and tolerant is precisely about putting up with what bugs us, even when what bugs us is inconsistency or intolerance.
--Previous Message--
: Yeah I know... I wonder if they are compatible
: as well. What I mean though, is that I don't
: really want to take smoke breaks at work,
: and wouldn't get any charge out of it, etc.
: What would be nice though would be to be
: able to have a cigarette in my car or
: something without being so paranoid about
: being seen. So yes, a little more
: "open" per se... just would like
: to not BE a closet smoker... and yet be able
: to exist without that constant fear of being
: "caught". Confusing I know.
: As for being "intolerant" of other
: people I believe I may have come across
: incorrectly. I meant that I am, most
: certainly, indeed tolerant of everyone and
: their opinions. However what I am most
: definately not tolerant of is those people
: who contradict themselves. ie. Someone who
: says that I should respect them for their
: beliefs while at the same time discounting
: mine. How do these people expect to be
: respected for doing their own thing, and yet
: say that someone is less of a person is they
: do not believe the same as them? Did I say
: that right? It is like two rules and they
: are putting themselves above others.
: Definately share your beliefs with me and I
: will listen. However, do not expect me to
: "have to" believe the same as you
: as if your own opinion is the only
: "right" one. That is the type of
: people that really bug me. As an example,
: say I did not smoke but I was an alcoholic.
: Would it be prudent for a smoker to condemn
: me for being an alcoholic? Saying that I
: was ruining my life and better wake up and
: smell the coffee? To sum up, I believe the
: world would be a much better place if
: everyone just agreed that we are all
: different and we all have our hangups, and
: should not critize others who may not be
: living what "we" believe is the
: only way to live. Unfortunately though that
: is not the world we live in. And while I
: say the above, and wish I could BE the
: person I am writing about, the criticism of
: others is still a driving force for me to be
: in the closet about smoking. I believe what
: people say... they are all perfect... and I
: am not. Obviously not about smoking as
: noone knows... just based on other topics
: that have come up in the past.
:
:
: --Previous Message--
: You say that you don't want to smoke more
: openly, but that you do want to get rid of
: guilt and be accepted for who you are. I
: wonder if those are compatible. Externally,
: can others accept you for who you are if you
: go on hiding who you are? Internally, can
: you overcome feelings of guilt and shame for
: smoking if you continue to act as if you are
: indeed guilty?
:
:
: And on a different topic, and without trying
: to be disrespectful, can I point out that
: talking about holding a person at arm's
: length and automatically discounting what he
: or she believes in sounds, ummm, intolerant?
: If you hold up respect for others with
: different beliefs as an absolute standard,
: then you bind yourself to respect all
: other beliefs, including the belief that
: your standard is wrong.
:
: Better I think to recognize that all of us
: draw the line somewhere, that there are some
: beliefs/practices that we will not or cannot
: endorse or respect. Some conflict between
: people who draw the lines in different
: places is pretty much inevitable.
:
: --Previous Message--
: Mind you I DO repect those granola-loving,
: tea
: drinking, in bed by 9pm every night people
: as well. UNTIL they put me down for having
: a pizza, a couple beers, and in bed by 2am!
: To each their own. Just like religion for
: me. Believe what you want and I will
: respect you. In fact, believe what you want
: and I may even evaluate your beliefs and
: figure out if they could pertain to myself.
: Tell me I am less of a person because I do
: not believe the same thing as you do... and
: I will still be pleasant with you, but I
: will definately hold you at arms length and
: automatically discount whatever it is you
: believe in... as to me it can't be anything
: positive.
:
: --Previous Message--
: I would just like to take this opportunity
: to
: thank everyone who made a contribution to my
: thread here. It was nice to know that I am
: not alone, and it was nice to talk about the
: possible origins of my problem. It was also
: great to hear from people on such a
: respectful level. This is, and always has
: been, quite a struggle for me and I
: appreciate the fact that my respect for
: everyone has been rewarded. I just wish
: that everyone in this world is as
: understanding. You know one good thing
: about being a "closet smoker" is
: that I am very understanding about people
: and their shortcomings, and how some people
: are different. And I make sure that those
: who are different feel as comfortable as
: possible with themselves. You know smoker
: or not, in cosmic terms we are only here for
: a blip of time anyways... so isn't life
: really about being who you are... being
: respectful to others... and to enjoy our
: time while we are here.
: Some reference was made for me to figure out
: what it is that I really want. I do not
: want to smoke more... or for that matter
: even more openly. What I do want is to get
: rid of that annoying sense of guilt I have,
: and to be accepted for who I am. The
: granola loving, tea drinking, in bed by 9pm
: every night, people should see life the way
: it is. Damn too short to worry about things
: that don't really matter.
:
:
:
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