Posted by Kevin L.
on 1/13/2009, 11:00 am
66.114.188.60
Hi All!
I am 45 and have been smoking to some extent for over 30 years. During this time I have quit more than I can remember only to find myself buying cigaretteswhen the desire grew too strong.
I posted a few years back about my coming out of the closet to my wife and kids. The door quickly closed and I was back inside. I felt great about releiving the stress that comes with hiding it from everyone. My kids begged me to quit and I told them I would try--but had no intention to do so. My desire to smoke grew and grew until I was smoking about 15 cigarettes a day while they were at school. My wife thought I was only smoking 4-5 a few days a week. Needless to say, what took years leading up to this confession did not go so well.
The kids are older, my wife still can not stand the fact that she married a smoker. But I have done it again and this time took the door off. I had the talk with my kids yesterday, having already talked to my wife many times and hearing how disappointed she is in me. They begged me to stop, but I told them I am smoker and I will be smoking at home (outside) and that I was sorry I disappointed them.
I have this mantra I say in my head: "I am a smoker, but I am still a good person". This has helped give me the courage I needed to throw my life in upheaval. But now I say it to the world: "I am SMOKER!"
I smoked my first cigarette last night while my kids were wondering around the house doing kid stuff. It was the hardest cigarette I have ever smoked. But I found out that they still treated me like "Dad'. My wife still treated me like "Husband". The remaining three I had were much easier and I think it will only get easier from here on.
There will be more disappointment in the days, weeks, months that follow, but I have decided that I do not care what people think of me or my choice to smoke.
My wife wants me to quit and if I will not do that, at least cut back. Before yesterday, Iwould smoke as much as I could during school, shower, then use a 21mg patch till the next day. This only helped to stave off the cravings, but I was irritable all the time because I was not getting enough nicotine and not smoking. I took it out on my family who did not know why this was.
Now I am patch free, except when I need one when visiting family, and half a pack into my day. I love smoking, love everything about it. I also am finaly rid of the burden I have been carrying for so long.
I hope this account gives others the courage to come out of the closet and be who you really are--a smoker.
I am a SMOKER!
Kevin L.
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