Posted by Alex C
on 5/12/2009, 1:26 pm
63.239.132.2
Since I was a young child I hated when people smoked and considered it a very nasty thing, I also hated the smell of smoke. Even at such young age (7 years old) without realizing it I became accepting of certain female's smoking, it only happened when specific attractive women smoked (friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers). A smoking fetish was born but I was very confused about loving something that I hated at the same time.
Another weird thing is that it was (and still is today) a very powerful, selective and conditional fetish. During my teenage I felt the urge to try smoking in order to get in touch with my sexual fetish and it worked but I ended up liking smoking and getting addicted.
I felt very embarrassed and guilty about smoking, so I got into the closed right away at age 16. I had to smoke on my own terms and I could not exist in the outside world as another smoking person (there were some exceptions though….).
When I was in my 30s and married to a non-smoker, I’d decided to come out of the closet. My wife laughed but was she was accepting. She encouraged me to do the same with everybody including my parents, siblings and friends and I did it, but I continued to feel so embarrassed and ashamed that later on I ended up telling everybody I had quit. I went back to my secret closet.
I have also quit many times for different lengths of time, but I have never been able to stay off cigarettes for more than 12 months. I think my case is twice as hard, since I have to flight with the nicotine addition and at the same time I have to tame a fetish that triggers smoking very easily. My fetish is related to at least 70% of my sexual needs, fantasies and desires.
Today I am in a new relationship with a non-smoker that totally HATES smoking and smokers. Without her knowing, I was smoker when we started dating, but I quitted after our first date. 10 months later I started smoking again in my closet but she doesn’t know about it. Seems like the never ending story and every time is harder to hide. I have just quit again since we just moved in together.
-Alex
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