Posted by Michael Mishallo
on 7/6/2009, 9:14 pm
70.17.191.33
I started smoking when I was in high school (16 years old). Initially it was an extension of my huge attraction to girls in my class who smoked. Somehow, they were the hotties in our class; they were the sexiest 16-year-olds - the ones I dreamt of F#@king! Over time I did not F#@k any of them, rather I spent countless hours playing with my ‘little guy’ and fantasizing over the sexy girls and replaying images in my mind of the smoking--- all the while smoking myself. My smoking was what really turned me on; this is how I connected erotically with the girls. The whole thrill of it!!!
Needless to say, over time, a cig here and there down along the local creek by myself --- and the associated 'spank session' became frequent.
As I became more into and more accustomed to smoking, I started smoking more.
Here and there, now and then led to a few a week ---> by the time I left home (still in the closet) for college at 18, I was buying a pack every couple of weeks and thinking of myself as a smoker.
This was a thrill. ..
It was my secret. ..
No one knew I smoked. ..
It was intrinsically tied to my sexuality by now.
Physically, I was a virgin to sex with women, but not to the masturbatory fantasy of women and smoking.
I took the smoking habit to my first college endeavor many miles from home, yet the secret and the fact that it was strongly tied to my sexuality kept me in the closet where I protected my secret with vigilance.
My first girlfriend, a few years out of college had no idea I smoked, though she was a smoker and I shared her cig with her only sometimes, never often enough for her to suspect I smoked regularly or in any way habitually. Just a few here and there - like many people do - but I had a secret. I smoked when no one was around also: in the closet.
My girlfriends throughout my thirties were rare. I didn't have more than a couple of short-lived relationships.
Mostly I had brief affairs. I gravitated towards women who smoked (of course), but sometimes found myself with nonsmokers - hey, it happens, you know?
I did have a two year relationship with a smoker toward the end of my thirties. She smoked like a chimney. I never told her of my smoking, she knew me from around the way and had known me casually for years - as a non-smoker. During the course of the time we were together I bummed one off of her here and there now and then, yet I was always very careful not to too often as not to arouse suspicion.
It was my secret dammit, she wouldn't understand.
At this point, I had been smoking for at least 15, 16, 17 years, the whole time in the closet. I was always careful not to let anyone get too close to me, as over time, the more addicted I became to smoking (which anyone will tell you: the amount you smoke ALWAYS increases over the years - tobacco is a smooth operator that way... it sucks you in more and more over time), the more I had to vigilantly guard against putting myself in tight situations with others.
At forty years old I had recently had several flings with smokers, never more than bumming one here and there, always careful not to blow my cover or to cause suspicion - ((remember, it was MY SECRET. ))
My deep and dark secret that I shared with no one, ever
.
Stupid,insane me: at forty I started dating a nonsmoker I was attracted to. I had no intention of getting involved with her at first, as I really thought I only wanted to Compromise her Morals with successive rolls in the hay!
Well, it was REAL GOOD, one thing led to another and before you could say WATCH OUT, I found myself in love with her.
She with me too.
I knew I could not continue to smoke, so for the first time in my life, I quit for a year.
At first I was fine, as the reasons for quitting were enough to be strong and stick to it: She was the ONE. I knew it. I also was well aware she had an enormous commitment to living healthy! (That included her partner living healthy)
We were married and at the very same time we decided I would go back to school for my bachelors degree.
In no time the stress of a rigorous college program set me off smoking again.
I have never loved it as much either.
For some reason, having quit for a year, I was more than ready to smoke again - earnestly this time.
Going to school full time kept me away from the house most of the day and often I would stay at school and do homework, not coming home until later in the evening.
How perfect can you get?
I smoked anonymously at a large university where no one in my so-called real life knew me, I smoked among plenty of hot women whom smoked too... it was perfect.
That was about four years ago, and I have been smoking with gusto since. I have truly, believe it or not, hid my smoking from my wife. I must be the world’s expert at successful closet smoking. I could probably write a book on how to pull it off. Married to a non-smoker for five years, four of them smoking in earnest!
Recently I have been noticing smoking having a detrimental impact on my intimacy and my sex life with my wife.
For one thing, the longer this has continued, the more I have felt like a deceiver, a person whom is living two lives: that of a bona-fide smoker, by now, consistently smoking a pack every four days due to smoking at school during the day, and an innocent and clean non-smoker in my wife's eyes.
WTF???
The longer this has gone on, the more I think about it, the more I think about it, the more I feel guilty, the more I think about it, etc...
I find myself having sex with my wife, and at the same time, in my own head thinking about the huge lie I am perpetuating. One on one naked in bed with my wife, thinking of how I am not the person she thinks I am, of how I am living a huge lie. How is that for f#@ked up? this directly affects my ability to perform in the moment, to be able to achieve sexual arousal and follow through, and at the same time, we are not truly "with each other" if I am thinking about the lie I am living at the exact moment when I should be feeling intimate and close to my wife.
I have known for a while that this is not working. Plus I know that if she found out and busted me somehow, it would be a likely deal breaker - she might divorce me over it - worse case scenario is she would announce it to all of our friends and I would be in a super uncomfortable and humiliating situation with people in mine and our lives who care about me and don't want to see me smoke!!!
Just last night, I called a woman I am good friends with through the Internet. She is not in my Real Life, so I chanced it. I told her all. She also smokes and adores the ground I walk on. I knew I needed help in actually going through with this; that I couldn't do it by myself: I LOVE TO SMOKE!!! She hates that she smokes and was dying for a chance to quit, so we made a pact to support each other in quitting smoking. Today is day one for me, it is all good. I am committed to quit. I feel like I have played Russian roulette for far too long and have been lucky as hell not to have clicked upon a live round yet. This is my last chance. If I don't follow through this time, I might as well just give up. I am done smoking. Chow my darling cigarettes.
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