Posted by Patrick
on 8/2/2009, 8:53 am, in reply to "I feel like my BIG SECRET is holding me back... I need a reality check people!"
99.166.176.73
I'm 48, and have also been a closet smoker for 30 years. I'm also a weel-educated professional. Earlier today I was out back smoking in the garage (I'd go behind it, but that's even closer to the neighbors). My husband is the only person who knows I smoke (others might very well suspect, but I'm pretty careful) he's not very pleased about it, but he understands and is supportive.
I know what you're saying. At times I've had some feelings like yours. I was a "good" kid who didn't smoke, didn't drink. I had the extra burden of a second secret of being gay. Although I got over that and am now open about it, my smoking remains a secret. Over the years I've come to like it this way. Sneaking around adds a bit of excitement. It probably also keeps me from smoking too much.
I think a big part of your guilt is hiding it from your wife. Hiding things from your spouse is never a good idea, IMHO. As for society as a whole, and your profession, I don't think it should be as big a deal. It's not like you tell everyone you interact with everything that goes on in your personal life. So why this? It's private. But I think if you could find a way that you didn't have to hide it from your wife, that would be better. She may not be pleased but I would hope she would be supportive in the end.
--Previous Message--
: As I said in my previous post – “After 30
: years of Closet Smoking, I am pulling the
: plug” — I am committed to quitting smoking.
: I have to.
:
: I cannot live like this anymore, it is
: counterproductive to me reaching my life's
: goals.
:
: I just finished four years of undergrad and
: am starting graduate school in the fall. My
: future career choice is in the social work
: field working with families and communities.
: I do care about people and our society -
: it's not ALL about me!
:
:
: I attempted to quit a few weeks ago, but the
: stress of the intense class I was taking
: just took me over the edge --->
: Statistics and Probability, ARGH! I needed
: to smoke so badly by day four that it was
: detracting from being able to study. Imagine
: going nuts for a cigarette and the having
: to concentrate and struggle to understand
: statistics.
:
: Now my class is over and I can stop smoking
: without THAT making it even harder!
:
: I have been closet smoking for 30+ years,
: since I was a teenager, and at 46 yrs old I
: think that smoking might be holding my
: personal growth and development back ---
: partially due to the connection to when I
: was a kid of 14.
:
: As an example, here's what I mean:
: When I was a kid I used to smoke outside
: around the back of my parents house, or I
: used to smoke out the back door with the fan
: on to draw the smoke out.
: I still do this.
:
: Now, I take a walk around the block instead
: of going behind the house.
: I also, even as I write this, am smoking in
: front of a fan [turned outward, of course]
: in my office window --- my wife is out of
: town for a week.
:
:
: I feel like doing these things is taking me
: back - emotionally and psychologically - to
: when I was a kid sneaking cigarettes.
:
: As well, how can I really be effective and
: powerful and really kick ass on behalf of
: humanity (as a social work professional)
: when underneath I have this life-altering
: SECRET buried inside of me?
:
: One of my biggest problems – and this I
: share with very few people - is that
: regarding my future career as a professional
: (I have always had blue collar jobs over my
: lifetime so far), I feel like a kid who is
: pretending to be an adult.
:
: ...like I have never completely moved on and
: let go of my past, especially with regard to
: hiding my smoking from EVERYONE.
:
: I know that something as seemingly
: inconsequential as smoking is NOT going to
: ACTUALLY stop me from entering new career
: field and being able to succeed, of course.
: It’s just that the more I dwell on the
: "cost" of my smoking, the more I
: wonder if at the bottom of it all, when you
: really come down to it, inside I am still a
: kid hiding my smoking from everyone, and
: this is inwardly stopping me from truly
: maturing and taking on BEING A FULL ADULT!
:
: Also, the guilt of this is killing me. I
: have hidden this pleasure/habit for over
: thirty years, most of my life.
:
: My question is this:
:
: • Is it ME, and am I just making this all
: up? The whole tie-in from being a naughty
: and 'bad' kid and the thoughts and feelings
: I have associated with this 'misery'?!? Is
: it plausible that emotionally and mentally
: my smoking secret is undermining my
: maturation and development as an adult?
:
: (sometimes I feel like the ‘real person’ is
: the closet smoker with the HUGE secret – the
: ‘phony’ is the person who finally is getting
: a college education and acts like he is
: going to go out there and work to improve
: society)
:
:
: Friends, I am not here looking for therapy,
: nor do I expect to figure it all out through
: the Closet Smokers Message Board, but F#*K,
: if there is anywhere where I might be able
: to find others with similar dilemmas and
: issues, this is the place, right?
:
: Can anyone relate to this and/or share your
: thoughts with me?
:
: Have any of you come up against similar
: issues?
:
: Thanks, Michael
:
:
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