Posted by mick d on 10/11/2009, 9:16 am
68.162.178.169
So here is my conundrum folks: I have a HUGE smoking fetish. One that is actually an all out obsession really.
I think about smoking practically all the time (I am sure many of you can relate, am I right?) - I mean, I watch videos on the net of women smoking, view pictures incessantly, and the more I indulge this fetish, the stronger it is... you know?
...AND, I am at a point in my life where I would love to quit smoking - I think about that all the time to! ARGH!
The more I succumb to me obsession of deriving sexual pleasure in this respect, the more it makes me want to smoke. The more I smoke, the stronger the hold smoking has on me. This is both psychological and physical and I am f#*king losing it!!!
I mean, for me cigarettes aren't just cigarettes, they are a source of intense pleasure.
I love to smoke in almost every sense of the word "love" --- I love it.
So the problem is this endless loop I am caught in.
Due to the fact that I am a hardcore closet smoker NO ONE knows I smoke. Not even my wife of five years.[Please don't say: "Oh come on, you are fooling yourself, she has to know." She does not. Trust me on that one.
I have to quit, as for the amount of years I have been smoking (I am in my middle 40's) the chances are I will develop health consequences - to say the least - if I continue on this path. And if you stop and think of the ramifications, especially socially, (especially long-time friends who have NEVER known me as a smoker, --- in my 40's! --- you might realize how one's life as they know it could implode from this.
What do I do?
I don't expect any of you to have the "answer", but at the same time, I can't just talk to a friend, you know?
If anyone here could even shed some insight, or help me with some kind of advice, I would be very grateful!
Thanks,
Mick d
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