Posted by AT on 7/19/2010, 1:22 pm, in reply to "Re: I am a closet smoker."
12.70.137.67
BT It’s even more complex smoking as I do than as you do! I live in a smoke free apartment complex, work in a non smoking medical office, and date a non smoker! I probably spend as much time planning my next cigarette as I don’t. I have had sooo many close calls, other people smelling smoke in my apartment even though I smoke on the balcony, smelling smoke in my hair, commenting on my breath when I haven’t taken the time to pop in a piece of gum. I was probably smoking with less adversity when I was living at home.
I often smoked in the next room when I saw my mother light up and knew all the smoke would just blend together. Her lighting up just pinged a bell in my head. I am still amazed that my mother never suspected. As for who may one day be my fiancé, we met at a club just a moment after I had gone to the smoking side and returned. He had in fact witnessed me smoking and when I said it was like a real social thing that I had just began doing recently, he commented something like you better watch out- you sure look like a real smoker, and that is not my cup of tea. As we got closer, he made sure I understood he did not like anybody who smoked, at all. And in the last year, he’s even asked a few times if I had ever smoked again, even one! I know I have to think about it all, the relationship that is. After smoking for as long as I have without ever having considered stopping, I am possibly more prepared to say goodbye to him rather than quit, which I can not imagine either being easy. I enjoy it just that much. It is my own personal crutch, and I do not smoke as much as others, so some days I feel that he is not the right guy for me.
Life is so complicated, and the stress of it all just causes me to need to light the next cigarette. Not just anybody is ever going to understand it all, unless I find another closet smoker, move to another apartment and find a different job. A.T.
--Previous Message--
: Hello AT. Funny you mention your Grandmother
: needlepointing when she would ask you to
: light her a cigarette. My Grandmother loved
: quilting so most of the time she asked me to
: do this was when she was sitting on her
: rocking chair in her room watching TV and
: quilting leaving the rest of the house empty
: with just me and her so that was my chance
: to smoke. I dont guess she ever suspected
: anything and if she did she never said
: anything. I remember standing at the
: backdoor smoking one of her cigarettes and
: the feeling was awesome! At that time, I
: wasn't even in my teens yet.
: The longest I have gone without smoking was
: about 4yrs. I was in a serious relationship
: and he didnt smoke, though I do remember at
: some point during that time I smoked a
: foreign cigarette with an acquaintance but
: that was it.
: I want cigarettes more and more now. You
: are lucky that you can smoke a couple a day.
: I would love to be able to do that to take
: the edge off. The last cigarette I smoked
: was on Tuesday. Actually, I smoked about
: three or four that day. I was alone all day
: and it was wonderful! I have wanted one
: each day after that as I do right this
: freakin' minute. I will be stepping out for
: a few hours and will be able to enjoy a
: cigarette or two.
: Like you AT, no one suspects I smoke nor do
: my friends. I do not plan to come out of
: the closet anytime soon if ever at all. I
: like my little secret.
:
: --Previous Message--
: My story exactly, Skyye Jane!
:
: My grandmother asked me to light a Salem on
: the stove when she was needlepointing when I
: was perhaps 9 years old! saying "be
: careful you don't inhale it, either,
: honey!'. She was absolutely the who started
: me with my first cigarette (I have zero
: interest in smoking up to that point), and
: inadvertently taught me to do just that---
: "inhale".
:
: I then watched her like an eagle for a few
: days to 'see' what that inhale-warning was
: all about, and asked her soon thereafter if
: I could "light one for you,
: grandmother?". I took two out of her
: pack, lit her's, and then returned to the
: kitchen and begin the process of teaching
: myself to do the forbidden inhaling.
:
: I liked it from that day forward and with in
: a couple of years (at least before I got to
: 7th grade, I remember well)was smoking every
: single day whenever I could, worried about
: lung cancr, fearing I might get
: "addicted!" but not stopping. I
: think i just loved it way too much from
: almost Day 1. And I think I was inhlaing
: like an experienced adult within a year,
: too.
:
: My smoking mother never knew or suspected,
: nor did my friends, as I was, and still am,
: in the closet. But on a few occassions,
: when kissing (that would have been in my
: senior year in high school), I was told
: "your breath smells like you're a
: smoker!".
:
: I have spent the last 20 years juggling a 2
: to 5 cigarette per day, every day habit in
: private, and cannot even imagine not being
: able to smoke, at all. Like you, if you can
: only smoke a few per day, a full flavored is
: big a must for me, and it has to be a
: menthol (thanks, grandmother!).
:
: So this is the way for me, too. No one
: feels guilty on this board, but we don't
: always 'write' something, we just mentally
: bond around the fact we will always be
: smokers, just its nobody's business.
:
: AT
:
: --Previous Message--
: Hello everyone. It is so nice to have a
: place
: like this to talk about closet smoking. I
: have smoked on and off since I was about
: 13yrs old. I am 38 now. I loved the smell
: of B&H that my aunt smoked. I would sneak a
: cigarette now and then and enjoy the long
: drags and the good feeling I got from it.
: When I was even younger than that my Gramma
: would tell me to go and light a cigarette
: for her at the stove. She smoked Belair's.
: I remember enjoying those long drags as
: well. I was able to inhale at a very early
: age.
: My cousin who is three years younger than me
: had a thing for smoking too so we would
: sneak off for a smoke. It felt great!!!
: Smoking wasnt a daily or weekly thing for me
: but anytime I could get my hands on a
: cigarette I would sneak off to smoke it. I
: went months without smoking and still do.
: Though I find that the older I am getting I
: crave cigarettes more and more often. Now,
: of course, I buy my own packs of smokes. I
: prefer to smoke Marlboro No. 27 Blend. I
: use to smoke Marlboro lights but I didn't
: feel satisfied with those. Then one day at
: a social someone was smoking a No. 27 and I
: loved the smell. He left his cigs there and
: I took one and found that it gave me the
: satisfaction I was looking for.
: My mother would be disgusted and it would be
: very disrespectful if she knew I smoked. In
: the past, I did smoke around a few select
: friends that were also smokers mostly if we
: were drinking alcohol. I am more
: comfortable smoking around strangers than I
: am friends so I will smoke around strangers
: sometimes or alone.
: I have been wanting a cigarette so bad for
: the past couple of days. The last time I
: smoked cigarettes was 5 days ago when I was
: alone. Gosh it felt great to smoke them
: freely. Me and my mother live together for
: her health reasons so it is very hard
: concealing the smell of smoke.
: I want a cigarette so bad right now as we
: speak but the smell would be so obvious if i
: did it and came back home. Just venting and
: thanks for hearing me out.
:
: Skyye Jane
:
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