Posted by Dave on 2/19/2011, 8:12 pm, in reply to "Favorite Cig of the Day"
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Formerly closeted smoker as well (really closeted--not only did I hide my habit from family and co-workers, but from neighbors and random strangers too). It took me a loooooong time to climb out of that deep mental hole, bit by bit, building confidence along the way. Back then, my favorite of the day was the one or two I sometimes found a way smoke despite feeling the need to hide from everyone.
As I came out over the course of several years, the amount I smoked increased and so did the regularity with which I lit up. Early in the process, I was working a shift until 9 PM on two nights of the week. After work on those nights, I'd drive to a truck stop in a neighboring town for coffee and 2-3 after-work smokes. At first it was very contrived--I consciously chose the truck stop as the first place I'd smoke in public. Those truck stop smokes rapidly became my most anticipated ones all week. It did not take long for me to start really relying on those cigarettes, and folks have pointed that sort of thing out as an advantage of staying closeted: If smoking isn't a reliable option, you'll likely smoke a lot less and avoid at least most of the withdrawal symptoms experienced by regular smokers forced to go without. Those are good arguments, and I know that that reasoning works well for a lot of people who've visited this board.
Being closeted was definitely not working for me though. For one thing, very soon after I first tried smoking, I knew that I loved it, and that was not going away. I still love to smoke, and I don't mean that in a breezy or apologetic way. Simply put: For me, smoking is one of the few true, real, reliable pleasures in life. I wanted to be able to smoke more often. Secondly, staying closeted was damaging my self esteem. It made it seem as though I was always carrying around an evil secret, and it fostered the sub-conscious belief that if people really knew me, they wouldn't like me. It also felt emasculating and degrading to me. My constant mental narrative came to be something like "What kind of pathetic supposed man lies to his family and friends so he can sneak off like a child or a criminal, only to smoke a cigarette?
Things are different now, needless to say. I've smoked a pack a day for several years now, and if anyone who knows me is unaware that I'm a smoker they are either in denial or not paying any attention. Coming out did not fix all the usual problems of life, but being able to light up and enjoy a smoke almost whenever I want or need one is definitely no small thing.
Which leads me to the original question: Which of the 20 or so cigarettes that I smoke each day is my favorite now, as an uncloseted regular smoker? For me, that'd be a tie between the first and last cigarette I smoke each day (honorable mention: any post-meal cigarette). My first of the day is almost always smoked just after I open my eyes, before I leave the warmth of my bed. My last is generally smoked either on my second-floor landing or in my den/office/man cave, with the lights dimmed for the night and usually something like Miles Davis or Liquid Mind playing. I love every cigarette I smoke, but those two specifically remind me every day why I'd start smoking again in a heartbeat if I was granted a second lifetime.
Dave
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: What's your favorite cig of the day, and
: does it differ for closet smokers compared
: to those who are out of the closet
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