Posted by Dave on 8/2/2011, 1:50 pm, in reply to "How should I handle this?"
72.207.219.180
I'll address the two issues I see as most challenging first:
1) If you choose to smoke with your new friends, there's the chance that someone you know might find out, it's true. Only a remote possibility probably, but you wouldn't be closeted if you didn't care about such things. You'll have to weigh that chance against two probable truths: First, most smokers feel no need at all to have a "guess who smokes" discussion unless it's with a fellow smoking friend; smokers get enough crap without needing to "tattle" on other smokers to create additional negative BS. Second, as another poster already mentioned, you always have the choice of explicitly asking them not to talk about your smoking; believe me when I tell you that practically every smoker will understand this, as these days even those of us who smoke openly usually have need to be discreet about it now and then. A few of the higher-ups where I work detest smoking, and while those of us who smoke there don't hide it exactly, we don't smoke at the administrative building. My co-workers, especially the other smokers, automatically "get it"--unless someone wants to be an ass, there's no reason to stir up a bunch of crap over something so petty.
2) It's possible that you might smoke more if you're known as a smoker to your new friends--but it will be almost impossible for you to smoke more than you're comfortable with, unless you're a total nicotine junkie. Smoking is self-limiting after a point; once you're hooked it's damn hard to quit of course, but in my experience it's rare indeed to hear someone express the idea that they feel compelled to smoke more than they want to, would-be quitters excepted. I might wish I could quit altogether, but as a smoker I never really think "Damn, if only I didn't feel the need to smoke this one." Even though I'm addicted, my habit is largely opportunistic: if I can find a way to smoke and I need a cigarette, I'll smoke. To put it another way: There's really no such thing as wishing I would smoke less when I'm hanging out with another smoker. If I don't want to smoke, I don't--and when I light up, I want to. If that makes any sense...
Now the "easy" part: I give you a 100% money-back guarantee that you new smoking friends won't react negatively in the least if you choose to reveal your habit to them. Every single smoker on Earth was once a non-smoker who tried smoking, got hooked, and had to navigate the coming out process. Not that they'll think about it on such a deep level, but they'll implicitly understand. If you think about it, you'll realize that ALL smokers are constantly "coming out"--every new acquaintance learns that we smoke at one point or another, and sometimes it just so happens that it takes a while before they see us smoking. A few will make a negative comment (as if we asked for an opinion on the subject); most don't give a rat's rectum one way or the other. In any case though, smokers are usually only too happy to find that a friend is also a smoker. Forget the awkwardness you're afraid of--a friend who turns out to be a fellow smoker is not something to be questioned or criticized. Again, think about it from a "real" smoker's perspective: When I am with a friend who also smokes, I know that I will never have to worry about bothering him or her by lighting up; I will never feel the need to apologize for smoking; I will never need to explain where I'm going after a meal in a restaurant. The list goes on and on. In short, I know that when I am with another smoker, I will be understood and can enjoy myself without reservation. So I'd never think of making a big deal of someone else's smoking, surprise or not. If I've known you forever and never knew you smoked, then yes--I'll comment on it, but only because...well, because I didn't know you smoked. But after you light up: Welcome to the club, so to speak. All other things being equal, most smokers would prefer to hang with other smokers anyway. And besides, as a smoker, who the hell am I to question your choice?
Sorry for the rambling, mispellings, etc.--typing this fast, off the top of my head, on a tiny phone while waiting for a bus. Hopefully it makes some sense. Whatever you decide, best of luck!
Dave
--Previous Message--
: I recently started hanging out with a
: different circle of friends. And it seems
: like somewhere around 50-60% of them smoke.
: Honestly, it drives me crazy when they do.
: Especially if I actually see them smoking. I
: just really want to join them, at least
: sometimes (I don't think I could smoke
: nearly as heavily as some of them do). But
: I'm just kind of embarassed to. Worse yet,
: I'm worried that, if I DO smoke around them,
: word might get out to other people I know.
: And finally, I worry that, if I smoke with
: them, maybe I might become compelled to
: smoke more than I am comfortable with.
: However, it would REALLY be nice to have
: some people with whom I could share an
: occasional cigarette. What do you think
: would be the best way to go about dealing
: with this situation?
:
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