Posted by Tim B on 8/15/2011, 9:26 pm, in reply to "Re: When did you consider yourself a smoker?"
69.250.45.35
I'll agree that for me it was when the true nicotine cravings hit me that I couldn't deny what had happened to me. I started smoking at 12 or 13 with irregularity, and by the time I was 14 I was smoking on a daily basis...but light. When I started driving and got my own car is when I first noticed my smoking habit becoming more regular and frequent. I remember then having cravings, but not full blown cravings. They were more like wanting to smoke...as opposed to needing to smoke. It wasn't until late teens that I'd say I recognized my first full-blown fit. Like you, I found it hard to concentrate, was irritable, and just wanted to smoke. It didn't really bother me since smoking was not an accident for me to start with and I grew up with smokers so I kind of knew what to expect. A few years after that they became more intense, and today, I'll get a small headache if I don't smoke for more than five or six hours, which is much longer than usual for me and definately pushes me out of my comfort zone. However, it wasn't until mid-20s when I couldn't deny that I had become a regular, full-time smoker, even though I'd been a pack a day smoker for years. Somehow, before that I always thought of smokers as "them" not "me."
Tim B
--Previous Message--
: I can say with certainty that it was mid-20's
: for me as well. I'd first smoked at 14, was
: smoking regularly by 16, and daily or nearly
: daily by the time I was 19 or 20. Through
: all of that and beyond, I never let myself
: stop to consider that I was becoming--and
: then had become--a smoker.
:
: What eventually cemented my self-identity as
: a smoker was need--I'd been hooked for years
: already, but around the time I was 23 or 24
: the fact that I was addicted A) became
: impossible to deny to myself, and B) became
: something that I recognized in a very
: powerful way was the actual source of the
: immense pleasure I got (and get) from
: smoking.
:
: The closest I can get to pinpointing a
: moment in time for this mental
: transformation is this: I'd been used to
: reserving certain times of day for smoking
: (usually morning and late afternoon or
: evening). I was fine with it working this
: way for several years--after a cigarette or
: two in the morning I did my thing as a
: nonsmoker during the rest of the day and
: saved smoking as something to look forward
: to at the end of work and school. Then there
: were several incidents in which I was
: working, or in class, or shopping, or
: whatever during the day and suddenly got hit
: by cravings the likes of which I'd never
: experienced before. I remember very well how
: they felt: They were my first experiences
: with full-blown desperation of the kind that
: most daily smokers eventually get to know,
: the kind that you feel through your whole
: body. The kind I haven't felt for a long
: time thanks to a steady habit. LOL Tight
: stomach, cold hands, zero focus or thought
: or concentration on anything other than the
: fact that I needed a cigarette more than
: anything in the entire universe for those
: few minutes. They lasted forever it felt
: like, and of course they kept coming back,
: and got worse, the longer I went without. It
: kind of scared me to be honest; I'd felt
: cravings before and thought I knew what they
: felt like because of that but these were
: nothing like the relatively little urges I'd
: felt before. I remember wondering for a few
: days on and off whether something was
: seriously wrong with me (aside from needing
: nicotine ). I think it just finally dawned
: on me that that's what happens when you need
: tobacco and don't have any. It's definitely
: the reason for the unwritten rule that a
: smoker never lets a fellow smoker go without
: if it can be helped.
:
: Anyway, the effect of those 5 or 6 incidents
: of full-blown withdrawal fits was that I
: consciously realized that my days of leaving
: the smokes at home were over. I started
: putting my pack and my lighter in the same
: pile as my wallet and keys at night. I
: wanted to make damn sure that I didn't feel
: that kind of withdrawal again if I could
: help it--though regular cravings were fine,
: since I started thinking of every craving as
: an opportunity to light up and enjoy the
: pleasures of smoking all over again.
: (Really--What else is there in this life
: that you can do 5 or 10 or 40 times a day,
: that never ever gets old, and that is so
: enjoyable and so satisfying each time that
: life would seem bleak if you were forced to
: give it up? When I think of it this way, I
: feel genuinely sorry for non-smokers.) And
: though I just thought of this as I'm typing,
: I guess that was the origin for me of the
: typical smoker's reassurance checks: Do I
: have my pack with me? How many are left in
: it? Is my lighter fueled up? Do I have
: enough to last if I have to stay late? Etc.
:
: It was sometime after I began making sure I
: always had cigarettes on me that I realized
: I'd already started thinking of myself as a
: smoker. The change in my self-concept made
: being closeted suck SO much more than it
: ever had before. When I wasn't a smoker in
: my own head it was simple to behave like I
: wasn't a smoker in everyday situations with
: people I knew. After maybe a year of really
: BEING a smoker identity-wise I'd
: internalized it to such an extent that it
: was utterly unquestioned and automatic in my
: own mind, and I had to prepare for
: situations and expend energy consciously to
: keep from revealing my secret. A few people
: got suspicious when I slipped up and said
: stuff like "I gotta stop by the store
: for a pack of cigarettes...uhhh, for Scott
: at work." And too many times to count,
: I caught myself as I was pulling the pack
: out of my pocket to light up upon exiting a
: store with a friend who didn't know--and
: then of course I had to put up with the
: accursed annoyance that is getting all set
: to smoke and then not being able to. After I
: came out, things were MUCH nicer--and since
: I'd already been smoking a pack a day for
: years and no longer had to hide it or go 2
: or 3 hours without lighting up, so was I.
: Towards the end, I'd actually begun to pull
: away from friends and associates just to be
: able to spend time as the real me--I'd do
: stuff like go out to eat alone so I could
: sit in the smoking section. Not to see other
: smokers or to be seen by them, but just to
: enjoy being ME. It was like a little luxury
: to realize every once in a while that I'd
: eaten and enjoyed both the meal and my
: post-meal cigarette without
: self-consciousness or other BS
: complications. I'd say that anyone who
: arrives at that point definitely needs to
: come out or risk some serious problems.
: (This is also where my attitude toward
: militant anti-smokers comes from: I split my
: life in half and pretended to be what I was
: not because I bought into their bullshit. I
: won't go back there no matter how much they
: moan and scream and wag their fingers and
: try to guilt and shame and bully people into
: conforming-- #%&$ them . I'm a smoker. I
: love to smoke, and if I ever quit the only
: reason will be that I made the decision
: myself.)
:
: And finally: Despite my identity as a
: smoker, there was and is still some
: cognitive dissonance involved for me. You
: can see it in many of my posts. But 99% of
: the time, dissonance caused by the fact that
: I truly love to smoke yet often wish that I
: did not is FAR easier to handle than the
: self-imposed schizophrenia of knowing myself
: as a smoker while pretending not to be.
:
: Dave
:
: --Previous Message--
: Following up on smokeythebear's post about
: when a person is considered a smoker. My
: question is do you consider yourself a
: smoker and when did you come to terms in
: your own mind that you were a smoker?
:
: I started smoking in high school, but it
: wasn't until mid 20s that I actually self
: identified as a smoker, even though I'd been
: smoking regularly for years. After that it
: was a long process of then going fully
: public and accepting my habit as my choice.
: When younger, if someone asked if I smoked I
: may have said (depending on who was asking),
: "yes, I smoke"; now if someone
: asks if I smoke I answer, "yeah, I'm a
: smoker." Somewhere in there it went
: from something I do to something I am.
:
:
:
Message Thread
« Back to index