Posted by B
on 12/7/2011, 2:35 pm, in reply to "Re: My Dirty Little Secret"
173.151.3.142
Ann, email me....i'd love to chat
--Previous Message--
: They know, but are being polite. You need to
: have self respect and love yourself despite
: what others think. There is nothing wrong
: with being a smoker!
:
: --Previous Message--
: Where to start? I guess most people would
: consider me to be a typical 45 year-old
: working mother and housewife, but I also
: have a secret. One that nobody knows about.
: I am a closet smoker and have been for more
: than 30 years. Those who do know me consider
: me a non-smoker. In public I despise
: smokers, calling it a filthy habit for
: people who have no will power, but
: privately, when I'm all alone I indulge in
: this nasty habit feeding my secret nicotine
: addiction. I'm not a bad person, just a
: person with a bad habit that I've been
: hiding from friends and family for more than
: three decades.
:
: My secret started back in 1980 when my best
: friend, Tanya, and I tried our first
: cigarette. It wasn't an overly enjoyable
: experience. It smelled bad, tasted awful and
: made me cough, but for a 13 year-old
: catholic school-girl it was exciting to be
: doing something bad.
:
: I didn't love smoking and certainly wasn't
: addicted, but from time to time Tanya and I
: would sneak the illicit cigarette from our
: mothers then sneak off to the woods and
: share it while we talked about boys and how
: much fun high school would be. To this day
: Tanya is one of two people I know who has
: ever seen me smoke. Because we ended up at
: different high schools we did not see each
: other as often. I was always athletic and
: played sports, so my social circle at school
: was other kids who played sports. None of
: them ever knew about my dirty little secret,
: but on weekends I would sneak off to smoke a
: cigarette by myself. I missed having a
: friend there to talk with, but I couldn't
: take the chance of someone finding out.
:
: There was a certain thrill I felt doing
: something so totally out of character for
: me, but there was also the fear of getting
: caught. I took many precautions to prevent
: that from ever happening. I didn't smoke a
: lot then. Usually just one or two on a
: weekend if I was lucky. Sometimes I would go
: a couple weeks between cigarettes. I
: probably should've quit then. The irony is
: that during this time my mother quit
: smoking. I was so proud of her for doing
: this, but not once did quitting ever cross
: my mind. In fact all I could think of was my
: cigarette supply was now gone. I'm sure if
: my mother knew this she would be ashamed.
:
: Fortunately for me, back in those days, most
: convenience stores did not check I.D. when
: you bought cigarettes. I would walk several
: miles to a store run by a Vietnamese family
: to buy cigarettes. They were around $1 a
: pack then too. I would hide my pack in the
: garage so, if accidentally found, nobody
: would suspect they were mine. The fact I no
: longer had to steal cigarettes from mom
: meant less chance of her finding out. I
: started smoking more frequently. Instead of
: just weekends I would head to the library on
: weeknights, stopping off to smoke a
: cigarette on the way there. Where a pack had
: once lasted a month at first, it was now
: barely making it a week and frequently found
: myself needing a cigarette to calm down
: after a stressful event. I was now addicted,
: but continued to hide it. Once I started
: driving I had even more freedom and would go
: off by myself to smoke taking many
: precautions not to get caught.
:
: The only other time someone I knew saw me
: smoke a cigarette was back when I worked as
: a bank teller one summer. There was a break
: room in back and in those days smoking was
: allowed in designated areas of publics
: buildings. Most of my co-workers were
: smokers and would spend their break smoking
: in the break room. After dealing with a very
: irate customer, who had me almost in tears,
: my supervisor told me to take a break. I
: walked into the break room where a lady
: named Janet was having a cigarette on her
: break. All I remember is asking her for a
: cigarette. She was shocked that I even asked
: for a cigarette as she asked me if I was a
: smoker. I just told her there are times I
: just need a cigarette to calm down and this
: is one of those times. She reluctantly gave
: me one and I lit up and started puffing
: away. I finished the cigarette and thanked
: her. Later on I realized how close I'd come
: to outing myself as a smoker. It was odd.
: Here I was, 20 years-old and afraid people
: will find out I'm a smoker.
:
: The only other people who have seen me smoke
: are total strangers. One of my first jobs
: out of college required extensive travel.
: For the first time in my life I felt far
: enough away from friends and family to
: comfortably smoke in public. It was a
: feeling of freedom I'd never experienced
: before, but as soon as I returned home I
: would go back to sneaking around afraid of
: what my friends and family might think. I
: would only smoke about three cigarettes a
: day if I was home and there were several
: days I smoked none at all. Yet when I was
: traveling for work I could put away a whole
: pack in a day.
:
: Eventually I met my husband. He's very much
: into a healthy life-style and has always
: known me as a non-smoker. For 18 years I've
: hid this secret from him, my best friend who
: I've shared many wonderful experiences with.
: He has no clue I'm a secret smoker. I have
: had many close calls over the years, but
: instead of giving up cigarettes I just get
: better at hiding it.
:
: I also have two children who have no clue
: I'm a smoker. In fact I constantly tell them
: how disgusting and unhealthy smoking is.
: Guess that makes me the definition of irony.
: I didn't smoke when I was pregnant. Even the
: smell of smoke made me want to throw-up. In
: fact both times I managed to not have a
: cigarette for more than a year, but the
: stress of motherhood got to me and I found
: myself racing to the store for a pack of
: relief. Now they are getting close to that
: age where I tried my first cigarette and I
: pray they never ever try one.
:
: So here I am, 31+ years later. Still
: sneaking around to enjoy my dirty little
: secret. I leave for work 20 minutes earlier
: than I need to. After a stop at Starbucks I
: drive to a park where I have a cigarette or
: two. On my lunch hour I drive to another
: park or, if it's raining, to the top floor
: of the parking garage at the mall. There I
: enjoy my chai latte and a couple of
: cigarettes. On my way home I'll stop again
: for another cigarette or two. This has been
: my daily routine for the last six years. If
: I'm having a bad day I might smoke half a
: pack, but typically it's only four or five.
: I don't smoke in my car. I wear a jacket I
: keep in the trunk to keep my clothes from
: smelling of smoke. I use a hand lotion to
: cover the smell of the cigarette on my hands
: and go through lots of gum/mints to cover my
: breath. When I get home from work the first
: thing I do is brush my teeth and rinse with
: mouthwash then eat an apple or banana to
: cover that.
:
: The worst part about being a closet smoker
: has to be weekends. If I'm busy I don't have
: time to think about a cigarette, but if I'm
: bored or stressing over some issue, it's all
: I can think about. I will make up any excuse
: to get away from my family just to have a
: few puffs. It's truly sad I want that
: cigarette more than I want to be with my
: family, but that's what addictions do to
: people and even though I'll never call
: myself a smoker, there's no denying the fact
: I'm addicted to cigarettes.
:
:
:
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