Posted by Erich on 12/11/2011, 10:39 am, in reply to "My Dirty Little Secret"
166.137.15.93
"In public I despise smokers, calling it a filthy habit for people who have no will power, but privately, when I'm all alone I indulge in this nasty habit feeding my secret nicotine addiction."
The REAL "dirty little secret" isn't smoking itself--there more negative pressure by far against smoking than against even drinking and driving, so it's no wonder that increasing numbers of folks smoke secretively. What's shameful is contributing to the anti-smoker witch hunt even while secretly indulging the addiction. A good start--and the least any closet smoker could do, really--would be to stop posing as an anti-smoking fanatic and contributing to the same oppressive "let's make 'em suffer" campaign that forces so many smokers into the closet to begin with.
Stay closeted if you must, but there is no reason not to adopt a more humane (and far less hypocritical) attitude toward smokers and smoking. After all, if some so conflicted about the habit can get thoroughly hooked, what does that say for other smokers? And if you're as successful at hiding your addiction as so many here think they are, there shouldn't be any need to contribute to the suffering of other smokers even as you submit to the same need they have. Letting go of the hypocrisy shouldn't be nearly as tough as coming out of the smoking closet; all you need to do is to explain that you've realized what you secretly already know to be true--that anyone can get hooked, and that people who are hooked don't deserve to be judged as filthy, lesser human beings for having a very human "flaw".
--Previous Message--
: Where to start? I guess most people would
: consider me to be a typical 45 year-old
: working mother and housewife, but I also
: have a secret. One that nobody knows about.
: I am a closet smoker and have been for more
: than 30 years. Those who do know me consider
: me a non-smoker. In public I despise
: smokers, calling it a filthy habit for
: people who have no will power, but
: privately, when I'm all alone I indulge in
: this nasty habit feeding my secret nicotine
: addiction. I'm not a bad person, just a
: person with a bad habit that I've been
: hiding from friends and family for more than
: three decades.
:
: My secret started back in 1980 when my best
: friend, Tanya, and I tried our first
: cigarette. It wasn't an overly enjoyable
: experience. It smelled bad, tasted awful and
: made me cough, but for a 13 year-old
: catholic school-girl it was exciting to be
: doing something bad.
:
: I didn't love smoking and certainly wasn't
: addicted, but from time to time Tanya and I
: would sneak the illicit cigarette from our
: mothers then sneak off to the woods and
: share it while we talked about boys and how
: much fun high school would be. To this day
: Tanya is one of two people I know who has
: ever seen me smoke. Because we ended up at
: different high schools we did not see each
: other as often. I was always athletic and
: played sports, so my social circle at school
: was other kids who played sports. None of
: them ever knew about my dirty little secret,
: but on weekends I would sneak off to smoke a
: cigarette by myself. I missed having a
: friend there to talk with, but I couldn't
: take the chance of someone finding out.
:
: There was a certain thrill I felt doing
: something so totally out of character for
: me, but there was also the fear of getting
: caught. I took many precautions to prevent
: that from ever happening. I didn't smoke a
: lot then. Usually just one or two on a
: weekend if I was lucky. Sometimes I would go
: a couple weeks between cigarettes. I
: probably should've quit then. The irony is
: that during this time my mother quit
: smoking. I was so proud of her for doing
: this, but not once did quitting ever cross
: my mind. In fact all I could think of was my
: cigarette supply was now gone. I'm sure if
: my mother knew this she would be ashamed.
:
: Fortunately for me, back in those days, most
: convenience stores did not check I.D. when
: you bought cigarettes. I would walk several
: miles to a store run by a Vietnamese family
: to buy cigarettes. They were around $1 a
: pack then too. I would hide my pack in the
: garage so, if accidentally found, nobody
: would suspect they were mine. The fact I no
: longer had to steal cigarettes from mom
: meant less chance of her finding out. I
: started smoking more frequently. Instead of
: just weekends I would head to the library on
: weeknights, stopping off to smoke a
: cigarette on the way there. Where a pack had
: once lasted a month at first, it was now
: barely making it a week and frequently found
: myself needing a cigarette to calm down
: after a stressful event. I was now addicted,
: but continued to hide it. Once I started
: driving I had even more freedom and would go
: off by myself to smoke taking many
: precautions not to get caught.
:
: The only other time someone I knew saw me
: smoke a cigarette was back when I worked as
: a bank teller one summer. There was a break
: room in back and in those days smoking was
: allowed in designated areas of publics
: buildings. Most of my co-workers were
: smokers and would spend their break smoking
: in the break room. After dealing with a very
: irate customer, who had me almost in tears,
: my supervisor told me to take a break. I
: walked into the break room where a lady
: named Janet was having a cigarette on her
: break. All I remember is asking her for a
: cigarette. She was shocked that I even asked
: for a cigarette as she asked me if I was a
: smoker. I just told her there are times I
: just need a cigarette to calm down and this
: is one of those times. She reluctantly gave
: me one and I lit up and started puffing
: away. I finished the cigarette and thanked
: her. Later on I realized how close I'd come
: to outing myself as a smoker. It was odd.
: Here I was, 20 years-old and afraid people
: will find out I'm a smoker.
:
: The only other people who have seen me smoke
: are total strangers. One of my first jobs
: out of college required extensive travel.
: For the first time in my life I felt far
: enough away from friends and family to
: comfortably smoke in public. It was a
: feeling of freedom I'd never experienced
: before, but as soon as I returned home I
: would go back to sneaking around afraid of
: what my friends and family might think. I
: would only smoke about three cigarettes a
: day if I was home and there were several
: days I smoked none at all. Yet when I was
: traveling for work I could put away a whole
: pack in a day.
:
: Eventually I met my husband. He's very much
: into a healthy life-style and has always
: known me as a non-smoker. For 18 years I've
: hid this secret from him, my best friend who
: I've shared many wonderful experiences with.
: He has no clue I'm a secret smoker. I have
: had many close calls over the years, but
: instead of giving up cigarettes I just get
: better at hiding it.
:
: I also have two children who have no clue
: I'm a smoker. In fact I constantly tell them
: how disgusting and unhealthy smoking is.
: Guess that makes me the definition of irony.
: I didn't smoke when I was pregnant. Even the
: smell of smoke made me want to throw-up. In
: fact both times I managed to not have a
: cigarette for more than a year, but the
: stress of motherhood got to me and I found
: myself racing to the store for a pack of
: relief. Now they are getting close to that
: age where I tried my first cigarette and I
: pray they never ever try one.
:
: So here I am, 31+ years later. Still
: sneaking around to enjoy my dirty little
: secret. I leave for work 20 minutes earlier
: than I need to. After a stop at Starbucks I
: drive to a park where I have a cigarette or
: two. On my lunch hour I drive to another
: park or, if it's raining, to the top floor
: of the parking garage at the mall. There I
: enjoy my chai latte and a couple of
: cigarettes. On my way home I'll stop again
: for another cigarette or two. This has been
: my daily routine for the last six years. If
: I'm having a bad day I might smoke half a
: pack, but typically it's only four or five.
: I don't smoke in my car. I wear a jacket I
: keep in the trunk to keep my clothes from
: smelling of smoke. I use a hand lotion to
: cover the smell of the cigarette on my hands
: and go through lots of gum/mints to cover my
: breath. When I get home from work the first
: thing I do is brush my teeth and rinse with
: mouthwash then eat an apple or banana to
: cover that.
:
: The worst part about being a closet smoker
: has to be weekends. If I'm busy I don't have
: time to think about a cigarette, but if I'm
: bored or stressing over some issue, it's all
: I can think about. I will make up any excuse
: to get away from my family just to have a
: few puffs. It's truly sad I want that
: cigarette more than I want to be with my
: family, but that's what addictions do to
: people and even though I'll never call
: myself a smoker, there's no denying the fact
: I'm addicted to cigarettes.
:
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