Posted by robbie on 3/7/2012, 9:17 pm
97.125.209.47
A dozen years ago, I came to this board to help me deal with the problem of how my smoking fetish and closet smoking was threatening my marriage. I ended up telling my wife, and she has remained with me, but our relationship -- for many reasons both related and unrelated to those things -- is pretty hollow. We both love our kids, but that is about all that binds us anymore.
I would leave her, but my sinus condition and the post nasal drainage on my throat it causes won't really let me smoke anymore, so I don't see how my leaving would be very liberating. I would soon be unable to speak very well at all, so how would that help. And the thought of being away from my kids is too depressing to consider.
In the midst of all this, a younger single woman has recently joined my office, and I am certain she is a closet smoker. I am extremely attracted to her, but know my employment would be jeopardized if I contemplated acting upon my wish to be with her. However, I am giving serious consideration to confessing my closet smoking to her, with the logical consequence that she will confess her closet smoking to me.
In my dreams, I imagine our sharing of our closet smoking making us closer, and ultimately making us intimate. In my more rational moments, I know this is not going to happen, and that instead she might become uncomfortable around me and ultimately leave the office.
The reason I have come back to this board after a decade away is because my being around her, and learning about her amazing personality, sense of humor, intelligence, beauty, and compassionate values, and smelling her cigarette smoke, have all reminded me about how lonely and sad I feel in my relationship with my wife. And how amazing it would be to someday find a soul mate with which to share the rest of my life.
My wife is incapable of deep emotional connections with anyone. Her self esteem is as horrible today as it was the day I met her over twenty years ago. She is afraid of everything, and resents nearly everyone around her. I've tried to get her into counseling, but she is one of these people who don't seem to have the slightest comprehension of how utterly outside the mainstream of normal behavior her own actions are. She just seems beyond hope of ever getting significantly better.
Not sure what I am seeking with this post. If I move out, I will smoke and soon have a throat I can't speak with. If I confess my closet smoking to my coworker, I fear I might ultimately share my smoking fetish too, which would be a disaster. I love my job, and don't want to lose it for a delusion. But at the same time, I don't know whether I can continue to live in a home where I am so utterly unloved by my wife. I so much wish to bare my soul with this beautiful, closetted woman, but know in my heart that all I would do is drive her away from the office and place my own job in jeopardy.
Meanwhile, I would still be living with a woman who can't love me, and whom I can't love either. I suppose marriage counseling is a logical thing for us to try, but feel confident it would fairly quickly devolve into a discussion of how messed up she is, which would be a useless exercise, since she is totally incapable of comprehending her own disorders and emotional problems. I am far from perfect, but improving my defects is a small task when compared to healing my poor wife.
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