I came out a few hours ago as a closet smoker to a friend whom I've only known about 18 months or so. He and I are both in tough marriages. I told him about my incredible, unprecedented feelings for this woman at my office, and that one reason we had bonded was that we were smokers. This was after I had revealed my closet smoking.
I did not reveal my fetish. That is so much harder.
However, last night I confirmed an appointment with a new therapist for about a week from now. I have no idea if he will be helpful, but perhaps his advice will serve me well. Only time will tell.
Also, this afternoon my coworker invited me to come have a cigarette with her in the alley. This was a first. So it is nice to know my intimate secrets have not made her scared of me. She is so amazing. In fact, during our smoke I told her that I was contemplating leaving my wife and she revealed that she had just come out of a decade old relationship. I did not sense any kind of secretive lust or anything like that, but it sure is great to know she has not been put off by our trusting relationship. I also told her that I had an appointment with a therapist -- that it was not fair to burden her with my problems -- that "she did not sign up for this."
Her response? She just doesn't want to say something that might hurt me. OMG. How special a person is she? I have never even come close to feeling the way I do with anyone prior to her. And I do not think she has any idea how extraordinary she is.
I am nearly 50 years old and have never really known what love felt like. In my 23 years of marriage, I have never had this kind of emotion. Now I think I know. I just hope that if it doesnt work out with my beautiful coworker, that I can have the courage to leave my wife and trust that I can find a soul mate whom I can deeply share my life with.
« Back to index