Another day out at work. Due to my schedule, I was actually able to smoke a cig every hour all day! Due to my closet existence these past thirty years, I've rarely been able to do that.
The feeling is incredible! The feeling of satisfaction in indulging your habit every hour, on the hour, helps build this incredible feeling of near euphoria. I started with five straight betweem 8 and 9 am, then I smoked all day, one at atime, until I was at 16 by 6 pm. Then I went to a meeting, and had to abstaiin from 6 am until 11:30, when I smoked five more.
Since coming out, I've smoked the following number of cigs: (per day): 9, 11, 8, 21, and 21. And I really get the most of every cig. Deep inhales, and long, sustained holds. When I smoke a pack, it is probably more like three. I am really indulging.
And the result is a nearly all day feeling of sexual arousal. It is a bit distracting, but also exhilerating. The sense of tightness in my chest after a full four days of REAL indulgence is incredibly seductive!
I feel amazing. The euphoria with each massive inhale is indescribable. I feel like I could consume cigs like this for days, weeks, months and years. As a 30 year closet smoker, it is so indredible it is scary.
The only thing is my nasal drainage. My new medicine seems to be helping -- m¥ throat doesn't hurt, but I do deal with a lot of drainage on my throat.
What now? I plan to try and sustain this incredible indulgence. I can feel the addiction totally consuming me, and I have an erection just thinking about it. I am even having serious arousal feelings to my non-smoking wife. Repeatedly, and with zealousness.
I plan to continue to come out! So far, my coworkers (other than my beautiful coworker), have not said a thing yet. I plan on smoking all day and night tomorrow, as I fully entrench my addition to the point that I will be completely powerless to abstain over the weekend.
I so desire to come out completely, I ache with anticipation. After 30 years, I am ready to embrace my smoker status,and smoke as much as I want, whenever I want!
I'm now going to leave the computer and have my 22nd and 23rd cigarettes of the day. And I guarantee it will feel AWESOME!