Posted by robbie on 3/30/2012, 8:10 pm
75.167.98.67
Since my post on Tuesday, I've done well. I've managed to maintain my smoking levels such that the nicotine addiction is really taking hold. I know that with each passing day I can sense my addiction becoming a stronger force in my life, and if feels great!
Met my new therapist today and I like him. In our hour long session, he showed understanding and empathy. One thing he disouraged me from doing was to try and suddenly abstain, as he thought it could trigger some major anxiety issues. For this reason, I will be continuing my smoking practices until at least April 10, when we meet again.
I really don't think I will be able to keep from being exposed as a smoker with my kids if I go another ten days like this. The urge to indulge is SO INCREDIBLY OVERWHELMING that I suspect I will reveal myself before april 10. If that happens, I will deal with it-- as I am convinced it is an inevitability given what I am determined to do over the next 12 days.
My nasal drainage is doing well. My ENT doc suggested a more powerful musinex, and it seems to be making my nasal drip very manageable. Even though I am inhaling massive amounts of smoke, my throat is not causing much discomfort at all. This means my smoking is all the more invogorating and enjoyable. The urge I have to smoke after about an hour without nicotine is absolutely overwhelming. I do not see how I can go until April 10 without giving in to the urge to say "to hell with it -- I am a smoker, accept me as I am!
While I have not really had to deal with my "coming out" yet, I feel virtually certain that my truly intense and massive building addiction will ultimately set me free!
My desire to smoke after a week of intense efforts to smoke as often and intensely as I can is making my eventual acceptance of my smoking urges a part of my everyday existence, and I feel myself actually anticipating it happening. It is so empowering that I can't describe it suffiently.
Thanks.
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