Posted by robbie on 4/2/2012, 8:22 pm
184.97.50.174
Better day on Monday. Woke with better throat, then I tried a new homeopathic product from SinusWars company. Between it and the two other meds my doc suggested, the drainage was under control. I will be curious if this SinusWars product really makes a difference.
That being said, even though I am intensely addicted (I managed to have a cig every ninety minutes or so all day -- give or take -- I know that this probably cannot be sustained. Taking three or four meds just so I can smoke heavily is unlikely to last.
But I am living in the moment. In the past ten days, I have consumed 160 or so smokes, which is eight packs. I had 15 on Friday, 14 on Sat. only 8 yesterday (a bad throat day) and another 15 today. I should reach a full carton by Thursday, which would be 200 cigs in 13 days. And the way I smoke my Marlboro Light 100s,-- with long sustained inhales and deep holds, it is more like 600 cigs. The power of the addiction is incredible.
I am aroused nearly all the time thinking about how addicted I am. It is part of my fetish, I have been fantasizing about this since I was 12 years old. I have finally arrived-- I can't even contemplate what it would be like to go even 12 hours without the nicotine I intensely crave every 90 minutes or so.
It is also kind of scary... everytime I felt the pressure, I could abstain for weeks to calm down. But now I find myself so addicted that possibility seems remote. Am I destined to smoke with at least some intensity for the rest of my life? If so, unless I can somehow moderate my intake, I am destined to die much sooner than I had thought.
I see my therapist a week from tomorrow. I plan to just keep feeding my fantasy -- and my lungs - - until then.
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