Learned today that a nasal spray I have been using is very expensive to use on a daily basis. In addition, the better musinex pills I have been using have pseudoephedrine, which, because it is used by meth lab makers, is tracked by the government. So that is two strikes against long term use of meds I think have been helping.
So I am kind of hoping that the homeopathic drug I am using is very effective. If it isn't -- and I need either of the other two -- I probably can't sustain this.
While that is kind of depressing, I am hopeful that I might be able to at least smoke at work only, which would make my meds less essential to maintaining my habit. I really do think that this intense smoking habit can't -- and frankly shouldn't -- be sustained in the long haul. Throat cancer seems too likely.
I see my therapist in six days now. I bought three more packs of cigs today, which should get me thru to next tuesday. Maybe then I will start the attempt to limit my smoking to work.
It will be hard though. I am thoroughly addicted to an extent I have never felt in my 35 years of closet smoking. I haven't gone more than 5 hours in the day without smoking in 12 days. On Tuesday I did 10, and today I am on track to do 15. That would put me at 185 in 12 days. Another 15 tomorrow, and I am at 200 in 13 days -- a rate I could not have dreamed of just two weeks ago.
But, due to my recognition that I likely can't sustain my daily smoking, my constant arousal has calmed down a bit. Which, while it doesn't feel as euphoric, is probably a good thing.