Saturday. Pretty good week. I managed to smoke 212 cigs in exactly two weeks, which is 15 a day. With my intense smoking style, I figure that is about two packs a day.
After fantasizing about being a truly addicted smoker since I was probably 12 or so, it is a bit unsettling to finally be one. I tried to leave the smokes at the office on Thursday, but ended up telling my wife that I needed to go into town and buy a pack; otherwise I would probably lay awake long into the night, and then likely sneak into town. It is at the same time both arousing and exciting, but also disturbing to be so powerless.
I still hope to get this under control somehow. If I don't moderate my smoking habit, it will surely severely damage or kill me within a handful of years. I am counting on my therapist to give me some strategies to calm down on my inhaling, now that I am addicted.
It is a double whammy. The more addicted I become, the more aroused and euphoric I feel. So if I try to not smoke in an attempt to become a more regular-style smoker, the less euphoric I am. I would think that time and habit will eventually make it so I don't feel such an urge to indulge to an extreme to feel addicted. I am addicted, so I should quit acting like I have not yet achieved that status.
Of course, it is also quite likely that my sinus complications may help me moderate -- or even have to quit. Obviously, if one smokes to the point that you cannot feel comfortable talking to people, it shouldn't be impossible to control oneself to avoid that situation.
So I feel good, but at the same time, am quite anxious about what the future holds.