Posted by robbie on 4/23/2012, 8:29 pm
75.167.97.248
On the 28th day, I finished with 423 cigarettes. Over 21 packs of Marlboro 100s (mostly what used to be called "lights" with probably four packs of Red 100s as well) in four weeks. I am now on the cusp of a full month, having smoked 13 yesterday and 12 so far tonight. The sinus situation, while a big digressed, is still quite manageable.
The drinking is a concern. It really enhances my experience to have four to six beers/drinks each night after the wife and kids are in bed. I know this is a poor choice in the long term, but the euphoria and arousal it provides is overwhelmingly compelling. Each night my addition becomes more powerful, as does the arousal it provides. After 30 plus years of denial, the indulgence is so satisifying that, for the time being at least, I don't give a damn.
The smoke eating air freshener is amazing. Those damn things really work! I had no idea how well they can consume the smoke smell. My kids have noticed, and they just think it smells nice. TOmorrow my wife will be driving my car for the first time. She may notice, but, frankly, she can't really do anything about it. It is just another aspect of accepting who I allowed myself to be. I am a smoker.
Someday, unless my sinus issues thwart me, I will become revealed either accidentally or through deliberate action, as a smoker to my kids. When that happens, it will be unplesant, but once it is behind me, life will be simpler.
At some point the arousal I nearly constantly feel from my intense addiction to nicotine will subside a bit. At that point, I hope I can calm my desire to indulge so intensely in enhancing and intensifying my addiction. Until then, I am just going to live in the euphoria on a daily basis.
If my arousal does not at some point calm down, I am not sure how I will be able to moderate my smoking style. Time will tell. But for now, I will just have another beer and several more cigarettes. Then get up tomorrow with an even more intense compulsion to indulge in nicotine at the very first possible moment, and then continue to do so all day. Then tomorrow night, indulge again with the anticipation that the overwhelming desire to smoke will only grow more by the day. Until the arousal calms, this is what I will do. And I make no apologies.
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