Since my last post on May 5 -- an update.
Some days are good, others not so much. Today my sinus issues were very minimal, and the day was awesome. Every one of my 8 cigs at work was so pleasureable! Satisfying my addiction is about as arousing as one can imagine. I truly fear that -- unless my sinus issues become major -- that the addiction I feel is so powerful that my existence these past three months are absolutely permanent. The desire I have to smoke when the opportunity presents itself is so alluring that the thought of abstaining from smoking is about as unthinkable as one can imagine.
While being in this state of addiction after 35 years of being able to abstain at times is scary, it is also a state of existence that is transforming in a huge sense.
As for coming out to my kids, I haven't been able to do it yet. Finding the right moment is nearly impossible. It is so easy to just keep on doing what I have been doing, it is hard to change. I know I should, but when?
One side effect of what I am going through is in regard to what stimulates me in a sexual way. My wife and I finally managed to have a night when I could take Viagra and go at it. While I had no time getting hard and giving her pleasure in many, many ways -- I found myself really struggling to climax while inside her. My old fantasizes as a smoking fetisher just don't have the power they used to. What arouses me is my own smoking (incredibly, the day we had sex was actually one of those days when I was able to smoker an entire pack, and yet I still had trouble.)
This is something I must speak to my therapist about next month. He has suggested I convince her to join me on the deck late at night and watch me smoke, as well as see if she will at leat puff -- without inhaling--- on a cig. I do think that would be a game-changer.
Wish me luck.